Can Cruise... really cruise? An LiE Investigation.

Love him or hate him (not a question) Tom Cruise has become a central figure of Hollywood since his breakthrough in the 1980's with a variety of films unmatched by many of the like. He's got the smile (psycho), the sunglasses (alien repellent), and the girls (best of the 90's hitlist). But does he live up to his name? How does the Cruise, really cruise? Ok, it's cheesy, but let's check out some of his greatest modes of transportation!

This month's LAMB Acting School analysis begins now.

Super Style: Do you need to avoid Guido the killer pimp? Perhaps in dire need of a call girl to show you a good time? Well have no fear, your father's Porsche is the perfect go to vehicle for all your needs.

Warning: Avoid lakes, Car does not serve as a flotation device.

Convertible Class: Got a brother you've never met that you desperately need to transport across the country? Perhaps daddy issues, and a need to prove your own worth? Well have no fear, this 1949 Buick Roadmaster has all your Cruise needs.

Warning: While transporting your brother, don't come off as a dick, or your girlfriend may leave you, and the car, for him (emotionally wise at least)

The Need for Speed: Do you have a strong desire to chronically take left turns? Would you like to get in an accident in order to meet your future wife? Are you a big fan of blatant product placement? Well have no fear, this 200mph Nascar machine is ready to take you on.

Warning: Make sure you team up with a wise old man as your crew chief, anyone under 50 will get you killed, leaving you without a faux father figure.

It's Killing Time: Do you need to kill a whole group of people in a short amount of time? Perhaps a bit unfamiliar with the area? Why not try your local taxi service? Sure it may not be the most up and up in style, but you can always pin your murders on the driver. And if all else fails, you've got the comfort of knowing you'll always be wherever you need to be on time.

Warning: Avoid pissing off the driver, as he is the one driving, and you're just a passenger after all.

HOLY **** IT'S AN ALIEN!: Need a vehicle fast enough that it can outrun alien attacks, while at the same time large enough it can contain the whole family? How about one with good security, and amazing pinpoint turning skills? Then perhaps you should check out your local minivan. Because you just never know when our alien overlords are going to arrive.

Warning: Be sure you keep a replacement solenoid with you at all times. You never know when it'll come in handy.

Now Cruise has had other noteworthy vehicles. The easy to jump on top of cars from Minority Report. The "no, I'm not a douche, really" motorcycle from Top Gun. And of course who can forget when he drove ________ in the mission Impossible movies (there's a lot of cars there, too much time to list them all).

Then again, with a name like Cruise, it's a requirement for you to drive a lot of cars. Of course, nobody really cares. You just keep going on about aliens Cruise, and we'll ignore you... like always. Peace!

The Art of the Stache: RDJ Style

look at that clean shave, isn't he so cuuuuute!

When the LAMB calls for people to write/submit posts for an actor, a normal person would writeup a post on films they've done. Analyze their acting prowess, dynamic stature, range, etc. Well, to me, that just sounds boring as hell. So I'm going to talk about something a little more... Uni approved.

For Robert Downey Jr. (obviously best known for his role in Back to School) I'm going off to my own little world: The art of the facial hair, Robert Downey Jr. style (ladies, and men, try to keep your pants on).

Here we go!

The 5 o'clock shadow: Time tested, college student approved. Perfect for that intellectual too busy with problems that need solving. Few people could pull it off quite as well as Robert Downey Jr. It exudes confidence, laziness, and intelligence, all in a nice package. Perfect for Sherlock Holmes.

Also Featured In: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The Goatee: Combining that level of douchebag supremacy with a hint of treachery, the Goatee gave Tony Starks that extra bit of allure to make him a believable quasi anti-hero. Add in the RDJ charm and you get a surprisingly non-villainous goatee appearance, with a likable undertone of humanity. Not always the best hero style, but hey, not all pony-tail truckers can be film stars.

Also Featured In: Zodiac (and Iron Man 2)

The Beard: Ah yes, the original facial hair feature. The Beard is the child of the 5 o'clock shadow. With RDJ as the feature it can scream anything you want. For instance a questionably sane news reporter, who ultimately joins a psycho duo on their killing spree. And you thought the film Shaggy Dog was going to be boring. Oh, wait, sorry, that's Natural Born Killers, my bad (close enough).

Also Featured In: The Soloist

Note: As far as I know there was no beard sighting in Shaggy Dog

The Chaplin: In perhaps his finest role, RDJ dawned the facial hair signature of one of cinema's great legends, and absolutely nailed it. Not many could have pulled off that combination: Performance + Mustache. I say, RDJ for your talent and stachery perfection, I salute you!

The Grand Poobah

Call them as you want, all of the aforementioned fail in comparison to this final masterpiece. In 2008 RDJ whipped out a 3-way facial hair combination that shook the world. Men everywhere shaved, in disgust at their inability to conquer such power. Yes ladies and gentlemen I give you the: Mutton Chops + 5 o'clock shadow + Goatee COMBO!

How any film has could have been made since without this diabolic combination of awesomeness, I'll never know! I for one, am eternally grateful to RDJ for sacrificing so much for the betterment of facial hair everywhere.


Thus ends whatever the hell this is.