Saturday, June 19, 2010

Can Cruise... really cruise? An LiE Investigation.

Love him or hate him (not a question) Tom Cruise has become a central figure of Hollywood since his breakthrough in the 1980's with a variety of films unmatched by many of the like. He's got the smile (psycho), the sunglasses (alien repellent), and the girls (best of the 90's hitlist). But does he live up to his name? How does the Cruise, really cruise? Ok, it's cheesy, but let's check out some of his greatest modes of transportation!

This month's LAMB Acting School analysis begins now.

Super Style: Do you need to avoid Guido the killer pimp? Perhaps in dire need of a call girl to show you a good time? Well have no fear, your father's Porsche is the perfect go to vehicle for all your needs.

Warning: Avoid lakes, Car does not serve as a flotation device.

Convertible Class: Got a brother you've never met that you desperately need to transport across the country? Perhaps daddy issues, and a need to prove your own worth? Well have no fear, this 1949 Buick Roadmaster has all your Cruise needs.

Warning: While transporting your brother, don't come off as a dick, or your girlfriend may leave you, and the car, for him (emotionally wise at least)

The Need for Speed: Do you have a strong desire to chronically take left turns? Would you like to get in an accident in order to meet your future wife? Are you a big fan of blatant product placement? Well have no fear, this 200mph Nascar machine is ready to take you on.

Warning: Make sure you team up with a wise old man as your crew chief, anyone under 50 will get you killed, leaving you without a faux father figure.

It's Killing Time: Do you need to kill a whole group of people in a short amount of time? Perhaps a bit unfamiliar with the area? Why not try your local taxi service? Sure it may not be the most up and up in style, but you can always pin your murders on the driver. And if all else fails, you've got the comfort of knowing you'll always be wherever you need to be on time.

Warning: Avoid pissing off the driver, as he is the one driving, and you're just a passenger after all.

HOLY **** IT'S AN ALIEN!: Need a vehicle fast enough that it can outrun alien attacks, while at the same time large enough it can contain the whole family? How about one with good security, and amazing pinpoint turning skills? Then perhaps you should check out your local minivan. Because you just never know when our alien overlords are going to arrive.

Warning: Be sure you keep a replacement solenoid with you at all times. You never know when it'll come in handy.

Now Cruise has had other noteworthy vehicles. The easy to jump on top of cars from Minority Report. The "no, I'm not a douche, really" motorcycle from Top Gun. And of course who can forget when he drove ________ in the mission Impossible movies (there's a lot of cars there, too much time to list them all).

Then again, with a name like Cruise, it's a requirement for you to drive a lot of cars. Of course, nobody really cares. You just keep going on about aliens Cruise, and we'll ignore you... like always. Peace!

8 better thoughts:

Dan (Top10Films) said...

Great post Univarn! My favourite of Cruise's modes of transportation has to be the Nascar - I can't stand the sport (there honestly can't be anything more boring than watching cars driving around an oval track for several hours) but boy did they manage to make it interesting in Days of Thunder!

Castor said...

Ahaha funny post chief. Love how he finds the only vehicle working in the entire town in War of the Worlds, plot device seamlessly integrated into the plot. Never was a huge fan of the Cruise but I highly enjoyed Collateral.

Rachel said...

Hilarious post, Uni! Of course, there is always the confusion he created when he was crusin' around with Cruz (Penelope).

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Great post! Let's not forget his cruise with Diaz, which lead to his death in Vanilla Sky. And they are appearing together in another film this summer. Hmm....

Simon said...

Excellent post, sir. I'm not doing this Acting School because Tom Cruise creeps me the fuck out.

How have you neglected Vanilla Sky?

Univarn said...

@Dan Ah yes, Nascar... my dad enjoys watching it. I think it takes a particular enjoyment for oval, or oblong, shapes.

@Castor Collateral would be a favorite of his, for me. Though, amusingly enough, the only way I can get people to remember him in it is by saying it's the one where he looks like Richard Gere.

@Rachel Too much cruising (or cruzing). I was going to originally include the women he has been with in his greatest modes of transportation, but that felt too mean-spirited.

@Alex and Simon Never watched Vanilla Sky. It didn't appeal to me, and still doesn't.

Candice Frederick said...

this dude can really do no wrong for me (except vanilla sky). i think he's a great actor.

Andy from fandango groovers said...

As Alex mentions above let’s not forget Vanilla Sky, crap movie but a couple of great cars 1967 Ford Mustang and the stunning Ferrari 250 GTO sadly only a Replica and PLOT SPOILER he only dreamt he was driving it! Cameron Diaz also drives a very un-girly ‘70’s Buick Skylark.

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