What Tax Dollars Ought To Be Spent On

In this day and age of volatile discussion over taxation and appropriate use of tax money, I feel it is time for me to speak up. To take a side and let my voice be heard. I would like to nominate that from here on out all tax dollars be spent towards.... Vampire Hunting.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream. Well, technically a nightmare, but either way I was in an unconscious state. And besides, what good is education, environment, and the like if we all turn into the Cullens? I don't know about you but that's not an America I would want to live in.

So please join me in helping pave the way for a brighter tomorrow. One not governed by darkness, but rather embraces the light!


This blog post has been paid for by The American Association of Vampire Hunters For a Better America

Here's To You Mr. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,


I'm writing to inform you that on the evening of February the Twenty-Ninth in the year of our (or presumably somebody's) lord Two Thousand and Twelve, an action was performed that has shaken this institution to its very foundation. An action I have since been informed was done on behalf of companies represented by you. So unconscionable in nature was this action that forty two women fainted, nine men groaned in detest, and a young child was permanently scared upon seeing this act.

Namely, you tried to sound like you gave a toss about the conversation at hand. Yes, yes, I am quite aware that your primary goal in existence is to be the faceless representative of various aspiring corporate monarchs, many of which have no discernible products other than their own monetary benefit from views. However, I feel that is not a viable excuse for you to try and sound human like.

After all, you're nothing more than a computer program scouring the internet for any place where a domain runner has been kind enough to remove captcha or other checking services in the name of reader satisfaction. And that's exactly what you should act like. There is little more tiring in this world than seeing your frail and sad efforts at trying to fact being human.

Though I must admit I do love getting a "thank you for the information" on a blog post about evil pandas, not so subtly plugging a car insurance company's new animal accident liability coverage. However, wasn't everything just so much better when you just wrote "sdkfjdslfjaskljflsdjklfsjl BUY CAR INSURANCE CHEAP! aldjakldjakl;wjkldjawdj" with appropriate (and inappropriate) link placing throughout?

Nowadays not only do I have to suffer through getting an email notification for your inconsequential post, but I also have to deal with your completely off topic comments. Comments that in the hand of more seasoned writers would likely be well pointed, absolutely hilarious, and full of the hope and passion I would seek a comment. But in your hands sound like the demented ramblings of a chimpanzee in a cavernous laboratory which has somehow gained control of a massive super computer and decided to give its advice to the world.

So please. If you're going to spam me, spam me the right way. The way that lets me feel as if I'm subverting the evil corporate system by not clicking on your links while you get to feel as if I'm too stupid to know the difference. It is the way the internet is meant to be.


- Thank you,


A Life in Equinox

I Blame Bruce Willis

Ah, good ol' fashion dark satirical comedy. Hold on one moment while I pause to take all of it in with one deeeeep breaaaath. Ah, feels just like home. Now if only I could replace Steve Carrell with some obscure British comedian and replace Keira Knightley with a cardboard cutout of Keira Knightley. I kid I kid, I do often find myself feeling as if I'm among the few who spend more time defending Knightley than enjoying her movies. Though of course I don't entirely put that on her. After all, who would have known that Domino wouldn't turn out to be HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THE FLASHY LIGHTS!!!!!!!

Sorry about that, I've recently found out that there are some unwanted side effects to watching two Tony Scott films back to back. Back on subject, let's talk about the film Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (or SaFftEotW for short...er...ish). It looks pretty good and I find the trailer contains just the right blend of charm, realism, and satire absurdity. So I think it's safe to say that I'm looking forward too it.

Now that's enough of that.

Top 5 Reasons The Artist Shouldn't Have Won Best Picture

There are any number of things one can post as the luster of the Oscar awards season gives way to the endless fury of "Oh No They Didn't" comments that lay spread across the cinematic board. Of course there's the initial "everything was lovely" reaction which is almost immediately washed away by the "ratings still sucked a bit" syndrome and the inevitable hollow shell that is "Snidely Backlash" (second cousin to the Whiplash clan). As each choice is picked apart, ranted about, and then put back together only to be picked apart again, one must quickly and carefully decide which avenue to best tackle as their force of rage.

After all, rant about too many things and nobody will care. Rant about too few and people look down upon you. So I thought it high time that I get aboard the angry Oscar train and dish out the pain on one of this year's Oscars selection. Do I start with the obvious "seriously, Meryl Streep again?" stance? Nah, even Streep was kicking down the rebuke door the second she stepped up to the podium. To be honest, I figure if I'm going to go for it I might as well aim for the top. Go for the big show. The numero uno supremo winner for the evening. The Artist. For taking home Best Picture the film has forever opened itself up to the endless possibility of being shunned by the masses forever.

So here it goes, let's get this hatred started! The top five reasons The Artist shouldn't have won Best Picture.

5. Because I didn't want it to. 


4. Because I've decided it best to arbitrarily hate it despite having not seen it for reasons to be highlighted in the upcoming points.


3. Because it has people from the lands of Foreign who don't speak, which I'm near on 100% sure is a sign of evil. At least it's close enough for government work.


2. Did I mention the whole evil foreign thing?


1. Wait, The Artist did mention Best Picture right? I didn't hallucinate that, did I? In all honesty, I made the mistake of looking into the beard of Nick Nolte and saw reality itself explode into a cataclysm of dogs riding unicorns into war against the undead army of the Jonas Brothers...




Alright, so I admit as of right now those aren't exactly the cream of the crop among reasons one might decide to lash out against The Artist. Just give it time. Sooner or later the novelty will fade and then we'll be there. The people who enjoy lashing out against things other people kind of liked and now don't like as much because something new and shiny has arrived. Oh yes, and upon that day The Artist shall get a proper put down... granted by then nobody will be listening to us outside of our own inner circle. Muhahahahahahahaha!