Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Art of the Stache: RDJ Style

look at that clean shave, isn't he so cuuuuute!

When the LAMB calls for people to write/submit posts for an actor, a normal person would writeup a post on films they've done. Analyze their acting prowess, dynamic stature, range, etc. Well, to me, that just sounds boring as hell. So I'm going to talk about something a little more... Uni approved.

For Robert Downey Jr. (obviously best known for his role in Back to School) I'm going off to my own little world: The art of the facial hair, Robert Downey Jr. style (ladies, and men, try to keep your pants on).

Here we go!

The 5 o'clock shadow: Time tested, college student approved. Perfect for that intellectual too busy with problems that need solving. Few people could pull it off quite as well as Robert Downey Jr. It exudes confidence, laziness, and intelligence, all in a nice package. Perfect for Sherlock Holmes.

Also Featured In: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The Goatee: Combining that level of douchebag supremacy with a hint of treachery, the Goatee gave Tony Starks that extra bit of allure to make him a believable quasi anti-hero. Add in the RDJ charm and you get a surprisingly non-villainous goatee appearance, with a likable undertone of humanity. Not always the best hero style, but hey, not all pony-tail truckers can be film stars.

Also Featured In: Zodiac (and Iron Man 2)

The Beard: Ah yes, the original facial hair feature. The Beard is the child of the 5 o'clock shadow. With RDJ as the feature it can scream anything you want. For instance a questionably sane news reporter, who ultimately joins a psycho duo on their killing spree. And you thought the film Shaggy Dog was going to be boring. Oh, wait, sorry, that's Natural Born Killers, my bad (close enough).

Also Featured In: The Soloist

Note: As far as I know there was no beard sighting in Shaggy Dog

The Chaplin: In perhaps his finest role, RDJ dawned the facial hair signature of one of cinema's great legends, and absolutely nailed it. Not many could have pulled off that combination: Performance + Mustache. I say, RDJ for your talent and stachery perfection, I salute you!


The Grand Poobah

Call them as you want, all of the aforementioned fail in comparison to this final masterpiece. In 2008 RDJ whipped out a 3-way facial hair combination that shook the world. Men everywhere shaved, in disgust at their inability to conquer such power. Yes ladies and gentlemen I give you the: Mutton Chops + 5 o'clock shadow + Goatee COMBO!

How any film has could have been made since without this diabolic combination of awesomeness, I'll never know! I for one, am eternally grateful to RDJ for sacrificing so much for the betterment of facial hair everywhere.


Thus ends whatever the hell this is.

9 better thoughts:

Film Intel said...

Brilliant. I actually think if you look carefully at Iron Man 1 and 2 there's a slight difference in his goatee. On reflection, I think the difference is;

Goatee 1: semi-depraved but on the way to redemption

Goatee 2 (sligtly longer chin and tash bits): more depraved but now redeemed enough to rock out the facial hair a little more.

Alex said...

You're awesome.

So is RDJ, obviously.

Fletch said...

I'll take this over a review of whatever film anyday. Because I like minutiae. Though I don't see how The Grand Poobah ain't just a beard. Maybe I just need to watch Tropic Thunder again...

Univarn said...

@Film-Intel I'll be sure to do a proper analysis when I get to see the movie ;)

@Alex Obviously :)

@Fletch My reasoning: Anyone can grow a beard. Not everyone can do a triple combo of 3 completely different styles.

TheAnswerMVP2001 said...

If you saw Leno last light you'll learn his secret. He has people that do it for him, it's all to keep him looking hip.

Castor said...

Is it me or does it feel like RDJ would be a freaking diva to deal with in real life?

Simon said...

You're brilliant, dude. I just bullshitted about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and A Scanner Darkly.

Expect a ripoff by me sometime soon.

Castor: He totally would, but then again, so does NPH.

Univarn said...

@MVP I don't doubt that, this was just for fun.

@Castor I could see it, but he strikes me more as the grump than diva type.

@Simon Ripoffs are fine, just remember who inspired you, and praise excessively :P

Heather said...

I love The Chaplin, I actually spent an entire shift at my job with an fake Chaplin mustache on. It was fun, needless to say.

Awesomely original and fun post!

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