Top 5 Reasons The Artist Shouldn't Have Won Best Picture

There are any number of things one can post as the luster of the Oscar awards season gives way to the endless fury of "Oh No They Didn't" comments that lay spread across the cinematic board. Of course there's the initial "everything was lovely" reaction which is almost immediately washed away by the "ratings still sucked a bit" syndrome and the inevitable hollow shell that is "Snidely Backlash" (second cousin to the Whiplash clan). As each choice is picked apart, ranted about, and then put back together only to be picked apart again, one must quickly and carefully decide which avenue to best tackle as their force of rage.

After all, rant about too many things and nobody will care. Rant about too few and people look down upon you. So I thought it high time that I get aboard the angry Oscar train and dish out the pain on one of this year's Oscars selection. Do I start with the obvious "seriously, Meryl Streep again?" stance? Nah, even Streep was kicking down the rebuke door the second she stepped up to the podium. To be honest, I figure if I'm going to go for it I might as well aim for the top. Go for the big show. The numero uno supremo winner for the evening. The Artist. For taking home Best Picture the film has forever opened itself up to the endless possibility of being shunned by the masses forever.

So here it goes, let's get this hatred started! The top five reasons The Artist shouldn't have won Best Picture.

5. Because I didn't want it to. 


4. Because I've decided it best to arbitrarily hate it despite having not seen it for reasons to be highlighted in the upcoming points.


3. Because it has people from the lands of Foreign who don't speak, which I'm near on 100% sure is a sign of evil. At least it's close enough for government work.


2. Did I mention the whole evil foreign thing?


1. Wait, The Artist did mention Best Picture right? I didn't hallucinate that, did I? In all honesty, I made the mistake of looking into the beard of Nick Nolte and saw reality itself explode into a cataclysm of dogs riding unicorns into war against the undead army of the Jonas Brothers...




Alright, so I admit as of right now those aren't exactly the cream of the crop among reasons one might decide to lash out against The Artist. Just give it time. Sooner or later the novelty will fade and then we'll be there. The people who enjoy lashing out against things other people kind of liked and now don't like as much because something new and shiny has arrived. Oh yes, and upon that day The Artist shall get a proper put down... granted by then nobody will be listening to us outside of our own inner circle. Muhahahahahahahaha!

If Univarn Ran the Oscars

As those of you loyal few who follow my blog may recall, last week I indulged in a bit of a rant on the bad form of obsessive 'snub crying.' A post perfectly designed to alienate a vast majority of the blogging base while allowing my narcissism to grow ever more powerful. Though fear not, unlike most narcissists I know I'm a narcissist, which makes me better than all other narcissists (see what I did there?).

Of course I am nothing if not a fan of tradition. And for several years now I have run rampant upon the format of the Oscars by imaging it not run in the proper frame it is now. Rather, having it exist inside the world of my mind. A world where pandas are evil, xylophones are entirely non-existent, and I Like Pudding is the name of the greatest rock band since Underwear is Comfy topped the charts in 1953 with their hit single Yo Dawg, That Be Da Rubber Ducky (it's all about the ten minute Theremin solo!)

Confused yet? Good. Because it's about to get a whole lot worse....


If I Ran the Oscars... The opening would feature Eddie Murphy reflecting on how he felt the moment he heard that Norbit had been nominated for an Oscar while a somber Adam Sandler quietly caresses the lone DVD copy of Jack and Jill in existence off in the corner of the room...

If I Ran the Oscars... All of the losers would be carried off into a back room where James Franco would reenact Ben Hur - in its entirety- using only shadow puppets.

If I Ran the Oscars... Sir Ian McKellen would stand at the head of the red carpet with a large staff and yell "You Shall Not Pass" at any person I deem not worthy of entering these hallowed halls. Bonus points if he hits them upside the head with the staff. Double bonus points if they work for E!'s fashion police.

If I Ran the Oscars... Anyone who won more than one Oscar would be required to prove their worth by juggling each one while simultaneously balancing on a wooden stick over a pit of fire. Since a pit of fire would be too expensive - and just crazy - the entire orchestra will have to wear red and orange.

If I Ran the Oscars... James Earl Jones would provide color commentary to the proceedings with the play-by-play being handled by Keith David. The fact that the sheer power of their voices combined could cause a crack in time itself would be completely worth it.

If I Ran the Oscars... The host would be replaced by a robotic Humphrey Bogart who would forever tease the audience by never saying any of his most iconic lines... but constantly coming oh so very close.


So there you have, just a brief insight into the world of the Oscars if I had the power to run it. I admit I'd need a bit more power than that, but that's why we have imaginations! :). So what about you? What would happen if you ran the Oscars?

The Blogger Who Cried Snub

Let's be honest about this, the sound you hear the moment after the Oscar nominations are announced isn't one of adoration, joy, or respect. It's one of the violent clashing of fingers against plastic letters, as flocks of people are desperate to make sure their feelings towards the nominations are heard loudest... and as close to first as possible (it's an internet thing). Though no matter how much willpower one group has versus the other, none can sustain against the coming tide. The return of the word "Snub."

Some of you may note that in recent years I've shied away from the general Oscar talk, and for good reason. I still love the Oscars. I'm still there on Sunday night, ready and waiting for the ceremony which means so much to the world of entertainment I love. So why don't I blog as much about it? Worry.

Yes, that's right, worry. I've watched the conversation on Oscars evolve as the internet has evolved since 2002. I've seen it go from a couple turbulent forum posts to a couple million turbulent tweets, facebook updates, forum posts, and blogger articles. Though no matter what happens, no matter how good of a year - or bad - the Oscar nominating committee has, it cannot shake the over prevalence of the power of the perception of a snub.

So much so that I have come to worry that the passion for crying snubs has cast far too powerful of a shadow over the entire ceremony. That worries me. It truly does. For you see, snubs are born of passion. Our love for a film that has gone barely, if at all, noticed by the Oscar committee calls upon us to call out. As we know, all too often in the present we forget about the films which failed to garner Oscar love in the past.

But I don't think that's true anymore. And I certainly don't think that's going to stay true going forward. You see, can you imagine what the world would have been like if they had the internet in the '30s, '40s, '50s, etc.? I imagine it wouldn't be terribly different from now. There's be lists from the eyes of the people who lived in those times themselves discussing the best films of the year. Articles on a site like Wikipedia through which people can mark the opinion of the time.

To me that's just as important to the history of film as the Oscars themselves. However, I don't think that means we should just cast the Oscars aside. Oh no, far from it. We should embrace them. For their history - no matter how flawed - is intricately intertwined with the history of film itself. Appreciation for what movies are today and what they will be tomorrow has, and will likely continue to, be shaped by the decisions of the Oscars and how we as a society receive them.

And I think it's important that we don't let Snubs cast shadows over the Oscars; but rather that we carry them alongside the films of the Oscars. In a given year there are any number of snubs, any number of complaints that can be waged at the Oscars, but there is only one Oscars.

It's Oscaring Time!

Alright fine, I admit it. When I saw the words "First Oscar Trailer Revealed" I too was secretly hoping it was a remake of Stallone's 1991 Mobster comedy, Oscar. I can't help it. Of course that's partially because I can't resist getting excited by the mention of anything Tim Curry related (I had to get a restraining order on the word 'it' because of it). Alas that Oscar is not the one to be gracing us with its presence anytime soon. For now we shall have to deal with our golden statuette and the first trailer giving us a hint of what to expect.

I have to be honest, I like Billy Crystal. Always have, and likely always will. He's just got that likable sort of state presence. So as a host I'm in his corner 100%. Of course a commercial for the Oscars being headlined by Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox isn't the most inspiring. Especially when you consider the two frontrunners - The Descendants and The Artist - are a far cry from the fanbases that get amped up for the likes of them. Though a timely appearance by Robin Williams, the dynamic Vinnie Jones (kidding), and knight of the 'seriously, why is he not in more movies' round table William Fichtner (not kidding) does inspire some home.

Be sure and check out the trailer below and let me know what has you excited about this year's Oscars!