Tuesday, February 7, 2012

If Univarn Ran the Oscars

As those of you loyal few who follow my blog may recall, last week I indulged in a bit of a rant on the bad form of obsessive 'snub crying.' A post perfectly designed to alienate a vast majority of the blogging base while allowing my narcissism to grow ever more powerful. Though fear not, unlike most narcissists I know I'm a narcissist, which makes me better than all other narcissists (see what I did there?).

Of course I am nothing if not a fan of tradition. And for several years now I have run rampant upon the format of the Oscars by imaging it not run in the proper frame it is now. Rather, having it exist inside the world of my mind. A world where pandas are evil, xylophones are entirely non-existent, and I Like Pudding is the name of the greatest rock band since Underwear is Comfy topped the charts in 1953 with their hit single Yo Dawg, That Be Da Rubber Ducky (it's all about the ten minute Theremin solo!)

Confused yet? Good. Because it's about to get a whole lot worse....

If I Ran the Oscars... The opening would feature Eddie Murphy reflecting on how he felt the moment he heard that Norbit had been nominated for an Oscar while a somber Adam Sandler quietly caresses the lone DVD copy of Jack and Jill in existence off in the corner of the room...

If I Ran the Oscars... All of the losers would be carried off into a back room where James Franco would reenact Ben Hur - in its entirety- using only shadow puppets.

If I Ran the Oscars... Sir Ian McKellen would stand at the head of the red carpet with a large staff and yell "You Shall Not Pass" at any person I deem not worthy of entering these hallowed halls. Bonus points if he hits them upside the head with the staff. Double bonus points if they work for E!'s fashion police.

If I Ran the Oscars... Anyone who won more than one Oscar would be required to prove their worth by juggling each one while simultaneously balancing on a wooden stick over a pit of fire. Since a pit of fire would be too expensive - and just crazy - the entire orchestra will have to wear red and orange.

If I Ran the Oscars... James Earl Jones would provide color commentary to the proceedings with the play-by-play being handled by Keith David. The fact that the sheer power of their voices combined could cause a crack in time itself would be completely worth it.

If I Ran the Oscars... The host would be replaced by a robotic Humphrey Bogart who would forever tease the audience by never saying any of his most iconic lines... but constantly coming oh so very close.

So there you have, just a brief insight into the world of the Oscars if I had the power to run it. I admit I'd need a bit more power than that, but that's why we have imaginations! :). So what about you? What would happen if you ran the Oscars?

5 better thoughts:

Dave Enkosky said...

Three words: feats of strength. Every award in every category.

Host: "Oh you expanded the cinematic language with your bold and adventurous editing techniques?" (makes jerk-off motion) "Can you lift a Buick?"

Nikhat said...

Quite brilliant. I especially love the third, fifth and sixth ones.

Nick Prigge said...

"Here's looking at you....you bunch of slack-jawed hoity-toitys."

Yeah, you need to make Robotic Humphrey Bogart as host happen immediately. I got your back.

Castor said...

I'm not sure I would want to be nominated for an Oscar... ever. ;)

simoncolumb said...

Maybe have a crazy pick in each category - a film or actor which is clearly ridiculous but has an outside chance of winning. like SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE and THE BLINDSIDE. That would be mental.

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