Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Top 5 Reasons The Artist Shouldn't Have Won Best Picture

There are any number of things one can post as the luster of the Oscar awards season gives way to the endless fury of "Oh No They Didn't" comments that lay spread across the cinematic board. Of course there's the initial "everything was lovely" reaction which is almost immediately washed away by the "ratings still sucked a bit" syndrome and the inevitable hollow shell that is "Snidely Backlash" (second cousin to the Whiplash clan). As each choice is picked apart, ranted about, and then put back together only to be picked apart again, one must quickly and carefully decide which avenue to best tackle as their force of rage.

After all, rant about too many things and nobody will care. Rant about too few and people look down upon you. So I thought it high time that I get aboard the angry Oscar train and dish out the pain on one of this year's Oscars selection. Do I start with the obvious "seriously, Meryl Streep again?" stance? Nah, even Streep was kicking down the rebuke door the second she stepped up to the podium. To be honest, I figure if I'm going to go for it I might as well aim for the top. Go for the big show. The numero uno supremo winner for the evening. The Artist. For taking home Best Picture the film has forever opened itself up to the endless possibility of being shunned by the masses forever.

So here it goes, let's get this hatred started! The top five reasons The Artist shouldn't have won Best Picture.

5. Because I didn't want it to. 

4. Because I've decided it best to arbitrarily hate it despite having not seen it for reasons to be highlighted in the upcoming points.

3. Because it has people from the lands of Foreign who don't speak, which I'm near on 100% sure is a sign of evil. At least it's close enough for government work.

2. Did I mention the whole evil foreign thing?

1. Wait, The Artist did mention Best Picture right? I didn't hallucinate that, did I? In all honesty, I made the mistake of looking into the beard of Nick Nolte and saw reality itself explode into a cataclysm of dogs riding unicorns into war against the undead army of the Jonas Brothers...

Alright, so I admit as of right now those aren't exactly the cream of the crop among reasons one might decide to lash out against The Artist. Just give it time. Sooner or later the novelty will fade and then we'll be there. The people who enjoy lashing out against things other people kind of liked and now don't like as much because something new and shiny has arrived. Oh yes, and upon that day The Artist shall get a proper put down... granted by then nobody will be listening to us outside of our own inner circle. Muhahahahahahahaha!

5 better thoughts:

Pete said...

Go see it. It's good.

Ryan McNeil said...

I'm with Pete - you can't knock it if you don't see it.

Univarn said...

@Pete and Ryan: Well, that's one way to tell one's efforts at being humorous and satirical have failed :(

Sam Fragoso said...

Wait ... I thought EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE ... won?


Brittani Burnham said...

I haven't seen it either. I've tried to make myself go a few different times just because it was so critically acclaimed and I felt like I almost HAD to see it because it won Best Picture. But it doesn't change the fact that the movie doesn't really look that interesting to me.

I'm sure I'm in the minority.

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