Friday, April 8, 2011
Fasten your seat-belts ladies and gents, this ride's about to get bumpy!
Arthur: After dozens of commercials, promos, posters, and interviews, I believe it is safe to say we all know the real thing you're expected to take away from this film. No, it's not Russell Brand is good at being obnoxious. Nor is it Jennifer Garner is still every geek's fantasy (so true, minimum requirement for geek admittance). Heck, it's not even that Helen Mirren is still hotter than Jessica Alba (yeah, I said it). No, the real take away is this: HOLY SHIT THAT'S LUIS GUZMAN! THE GREATEST ACTOR EVER!!!!! If you think I'm being sarcastic, you are sorely mistaken.
Hanna: I have a simple rule of thumb for trailers - never trust them if they feel the need to crop their image and put the release date above the images being shown. It's not a scientific method, but it just screams desperate for me. Now I know this one's doing the best of the weekend lot in the land of Rotten Tomatoes, but that doesn't suede me all that much. You know what does? Saoirse Ronan... I'm starting to feel like those creepy middle aged guys who obsess about Hannah Montana, watch old Britney Spears videos, and used to ask when Lindsay Lohan was going to become legal. I'm not there - yet - but it's a fine line between desperately wanting to see every thing this girl is in and wearing striking blue contacts and screaming 'omg' at every press event for her. Let us hope when that time comes, I'll ere on the side of laziness and just not bother with it.
Soul Surfer: Dennis Quaid, what happened to you man? Your brother goes so far east of sanity that even Charlie Sheen thinks he's out there, and here you are trying desperately to scrap together a career in unintelligible roles that will never amount to mainstream success. Pandorum? Legion? Soul Surfer? Come on! You were the only bearable thing in American Dreamz, Day After Tomorrow spiked for excitement but crashed when people had to think, Vantage Point got repetitive quicker than a irish jig, and let's not even get started on about G.I. Joe. PLEASE! I LIKE YOU! Stop doing this to me. I can't take it anymore.....
Your Highness: Life's so much easier when two of my biggest actress crushes aren't staring together in a movie I couldn't even locate on a interest spectrum. Oh forgive me, I know I'm going to wholly regret the day I end up watching this.
Born To Be Wild: Orphan Orangutans and Elephants... oh dear, bring out the tissues, I have a feeling this one is going to set of the spigot.
Meek's Cutoff: From the direct of Wendy and Lucy (which I haven't seen) comes a film about Oregon settlers in the 1800s. Sounds interesting enough, but I'll wait for feedback before making my move.
Ceremony: I know it's mean to the guy, but the son of Henry Winkler - officially making him Fonz Jr. - has made a movie. So, why do I care? OMG OMG OMG LEEEEEE PACE!!!!!!! The rest of this movie could be entirely pigeons singing polka, good ol' L.P. is all I ever need.
So there you have it. Your weekend movie releases to shuffle through (or ignore - whatever)! Enjoy yourselves and be sure to make it a good one.