Thursday, April 7, 2011

So You Want to be a Media Journalist?

We here at the Institute of More Awesome For The Populous pride ourselves on delivering the very best in need to know information for our clients. Our services include pre-hype hype, post-hype anti-hype hype, and of course de-hype of things that run counter to those things that you need to be hyped. These services are the backbone of modern civilization. After all, what would people think about things if we didn't plant the seed in their mind to think them ahead of time. Kind of like Inception without the spinning hotels, that Juno chick, and French music.

And in keeping with our tradition of community outreach programs such as last year's popular "save a homeless person, buy our products" campaign which generate millions of dollars towards us, and about fifty-two bucks for the homeless - they don't really need the money that much - we've decided to let you in our little secrets. Our specially trained staff have created this very simple how to guide for you to understand how you can best serve our global dominion agenda. It is for our own good the better good of all. So, if you're considering a job in one of our nine million vacant positions, best of luck on that. We will however fire someone if you're willing to take less money for the same work, so don't worry about us not having a spot for you.

All you have to do is read the following guidelines on how to make sure you succeed as a media journalist. If you think you're up to the task send us nine references (six business and three personal), your social security number, the four digit pin of your credit card, your credit card number, the souls of three children, and the blood of a virgin lamb your resume. Without further ado, here is your guide to success:


First: Identify the time of frame of any and all references you're going to make.

If Past (Past being over 5 years old){
    Is it foreign?
       Yes -----> Ignore it.
    Is it a mainstream classic?
       Yes -----> Write about how great it is, but not too much (two sentences max).
       No ------> Don't write about it.
If Present (Present being the last few years up until now){
   Is it considered hip to like it?
      Yes -----> Write about how great it is in depth with more analysis than you think necessary.
      No ------> Is it considered hip to hate it? If so, write about how horrible it is. If not, ignore it.
  Is it foreign?
      Yes -----> Ignore it.
  Is it popular to like it but not to see it?
      Yes -----> Call it the greatest thing ever and lambaste those who haven't seen it.
If Future (Coming up soon or in the next two years){
  Is it foreign?
     Yes ----> Ignore it.
     No ----> Write passionate, in depth articles about how it will be the single greatest event of all time.
         Note: Do this for ALL upcoming releases. Nobody really pays attention to how many films you call the greatest ever just so long as you include something they're excited for in the mix.

Second: Identify your target demographic.

Are you targeting teenagers who think they're adults and therefore mature enough to handle stuff, but too 'cool' to actually be adult about things?
     Yes ----> Tell them they can define their uniqueness by purchasing swag for the movie.
     No -----> Tell them they can appear superior to others by purchasing swag for the movie.
Are you targeting middle aged people who like to think they're still young enough to be cool like a teenager, but too 'mature' to actually be a teenager?
     Yes ----> Tell them they can define their youth by purchasing swag for the movie.
     No -----> Tell them they will appear more mature than other adults by purchasing swag for the movie.

Third: Never Be Yourself.

Remember above all, you're not allowed to have an opinion. All things that are to come out are great, amazing, beautiful, and should be accepted as the inevitable awesomeness that it will be. To fail in convincing the public of this truth would be paramount to destroying society itself. Plus you won't get a Christmas bonus. You won't get one anyways, but that's not important right now.


Well, there you have it. Just a few, base guidelines for those of you thinking about applying for a wonderful career here at IMAP, the controller of all media. If you're interested be sure to send your resume to:




This has been a message from: 
IMAP - Telling You How to Live Your Life, So You Don't Have To

2 better thoughts:

Castor said...

And then send this to me, poor editor who has to try to make something out of your raw 500 words. Half the time, I will fight the good battle and send it back to you for improvement, and the rest of the time, I will be so pissed that I will just click "Publish"

Simon said...


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