Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Obligatory DVD Release Post 4/5/2011

It's not the quantity of the movies you own, it's the quality. Yes, I'm looking at you guy who owns every Michael Bay movie!

New Releases:

Tron Legacy: You know what this movie was missing? Jeff Daniels wrestling a Chia Pet, and no I'm not referring to Jeff Bridges' beard. Jeff Daniels should be in every movie. Why wasn't he in this? Would have gotten my butt in the seat on opening night. Without that however, this movie is just a bunch of flashy flash and music that goes boom boom. Sorry folks, but that's not cutting it in the Uni Forest. Out here it's a man wrestles Chia Pet world. If you can't handle it, step on!

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: See, what you did wrong here was call your ship the 'dawn treader.' To tread? Slow, drawn out, boring. Dawn? Easily the weakest of the two sun-horizon combos one might find throughout a day. Evidence: Sunsets lead to vampires, Dawn leads to The View. Game, set, match, vampires. So Hollywood, next time you want to make a movie about a boat, you come talk to me. Or just call it - "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Ass Kicker." Get Samuel L. Jackson to narrate your commercial, and whamo - instant big money. Your welcome.

I Love You Phillip Morris: Oh Jim Carrey, when are you ever going to learn. What we love about your indie drama-comedies is how little they are bent to fit your comedy style. Take a page out of the Robin Williams Good Will Hunting - Dead Poets Society  playbook and play it calm, cool, and a bit somber. Gets those Oscars spinning in your direction in no time.

Little Fockers: Because nobody asked for it, but people still wanted it. Why? Some people just really enjoy the security of paying for something they're 100% sure will be crap, I guess. Really, did they even watch the trailers? If you look closely you can see the cameraman fall asleep!

Other Releases: The Taqwacores (because mohawks = cool?), Casino Jack (Kevin Spacey why aren't you killing people anymore?), Desert Son (you know it's good because the photo is very plain and lonely)

Other Goodies: 

Tron (Blu-Ray): For those of you who are really into seeing '80s low-bit graphics in the highest definition possible. Seriously, though, I give this movie a lot of crap, but I do enjoy it rather well. It's just easier for me to rant than it is to rave. *sad face*

Taxi Driver (Blu-Ray): *drool*

TCM Film Collection: Legends - Bette Davis (Four Films): Dark Victory; Now, Voyager; Old Acquaintance; and Jezebel. Honestly I haven't seen a single one of these. I'm so ashamed.

TCM Film Collection: Legends - Marlon Brando (Four Films): A Streetcar Named Desire, Julius Caesar, The Teahouse of the August Moon, and Reflections in a Golden Eye. Well, one out of four isn't so bad is it?

Well ladies and gents, that's all I've got for you today. Whip out your smart hat, and get your shopping on! Happy hunting.

7 better thoughts:

Castor said...

Interested in seeing Tron Legacy but of course, we have to wait another month for it to come out on Netflix. The rest is meh for me...

Nikhat said...

I really loved Phillip Morris.
I agree- Taxi Driver *droooooooooooool*

Nikhat said...

Also I finally saw my first Kurasawa film!! Seven Samurai :)

Simon said...


Univarn said...

@Castor Ah, the ever famous month long waddle until the latest films for - he who shall not be named - find their way to Netflix. On the plus side, you'll always have popcorn.

@Nikhat Awesome! Heading over to read your take on it as I type this.

@Simon Because CGI IS GOD!!!!!!

Red said...

Watched Tron on Monday night. Knew what I was getting myself into, but even with low expectations I was amazed at how crappy and unnecessary the film was. Fell asleep 20 minutes in, and had to start it over again after I woke up at the ending.

Not sure about the Dawn Treader yet. I quite enjoyed the first film, and the 2nd film wasn't too bad despite some major plot holes. This third one looks like a big CGI kid's fest though. Might as well watch it, especially since they've given a 4th movie the go.

Fitz said...

Does anyone still keep up with the Chronicles of Narnia films?

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