Eggsy Returns In The First Trailer For ‘Kingsman: The Golden Circle’ - [image: Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) Taron Egerton][image: Eggsy Returns In The First Trailer For ‘Kingsman: The Golden Circle’] No one could’ve gues...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It's not the quantity of the movies you own, it's the quality. Yes, I'm looking at you guy who owns every Michael Bay movie!
Tron Legacy: You know what this movie was missing? Jeff Daniels wrestling a Chia Pet, and no I'm not referring to Jeff Bridges' beard. Jeff Daniels should be in every movie. Why wasn't he in this? Would have gotten my butt in the seat on opening night. Without that however, this movie is just a bunch of flashy flash and music that goes boom boom. Sorry folks, but that's not cutting it in the Uni Forest. Out here it's a man wrestles Chia Pet world. If you can't handle it, step on!
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: See, what you did wrong here was call your ship the 'dawn treader.' To tread? Slow, drawn out, boring. Dawn? Easily the weakest of the two sun-horizon combos one might find throughout a day. Evidence: Sunsets lead to vampires, Dawn leads to The View. Game, set, match, vampires. So Hollywood, next time you want to make a movie about a boat, you come talk to me. Or just call it - "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Ass Kicker." Get Samuel L. Jackson to narrate your commercial, and whamo - instant big money. Your welcome.
I Love You Phillip Morris: Oh Jim Carrey, when are you ever going to learn. What we love about your indie drama-comedies is how little they are bent to fit your comedy style. Take a page out of the Robin Williams Good Will Hunting - Dead Poets Society playbook and play it calm, cool, and a bit somber. Gets those Oscars spinning in your direction in no time.
Little Fockers: Because nobody asked for it, but people still wanted it. Why? Some people just really enjoy the security of paying for something they're 100% sure will be crap, I guess. Really, did they even watch the trailers? If you look closely you can see the cameraman fall asleep!
Other Releases: The Taqwacores (because mohawks = cool?), Casino Jack (Kevin Spacey why aren't you killing people anymore?), Desert Son (you know it's good because the photo is very plain and lonely)
Tron (Blu-Ray): For those of you who are really into seeing '80s low-bit graphics in the highest definition possible. Seriously, though, I give this movie a lot of crap, but I do enjoy it rather well. It's just easier for me to rant than it is to rave. *sad face*
Taxi Driver (Blu-Ray): *drool*
TCM Film Collection: Legends - Bette Davis (Four Films): Dark Victory; Now, Voyager; Old Acquaintance; and Jezebel. Honestly I haven't seen a single one of these. I'm so ashamed.
TCM Film Collection: Legends - Marlon Brando (Four Films): A Streetcar Named Desire, Julius Caesar, The Teahouse of the August Moon, and Reflections in a Golden Eye. Well, one out of four isn't so bad is it?
Well ladies and gents, that's all I've got for you today. Whip out your smart hat, and get your shopping on! Happy hunting.