The LiE Oscar Non-Prediction Predictions!

In ancient times greatness was decided by your expertise in hunting, foraging, and mating. Fast forward a few millenia and greatness is decided by your nobility, or talent in wide scale battles. Tack on the last couple and now we determine greatness by your ability to earn plated gold items for popularity and sporting contests. My my, how times have changed. On the plus side, we now get fabulous costumes and Joan Rivers! Win-win I'd say.

Now you already know my dreams for this year's Oscars, so I believe it is time that I step up to the plate and lay down some real Oscar predictions. Well, in my own way. You see I've generally felt throughout the years that trying to predict the Oscars is a bit like trying to predict whether or not Elmo is gay. Nobody's going to tell you, but deep down we all kind of know what's going to happen. And unless at some point Sean Penn stumbles onto the stage in a half-drunk tirade and begs James Franco to take him back, I'm not going to win the Oscar pool at the office. So, here we go. My non-prediction Oscar predictions.

Best Picture: I really can't decide who I want to win this category more. The group of white people with a good chance, or the group of white people with a bad chance. You know what, I'm going the distance and saying 'insert hip film of the moment' is going to take home the gold!!!!
Best Director: I know! OMG, I can't believe they didn't give a nomination to Edward Zwick! Wait, what? Christopher Nolan? Never heard of him.
Best Actor: We all know this win is going to on a one way train to Firth land. If it doesn't, we're picketing. Oh, and please cut it with the "but I wanna see Eisenberg" whine, I like him, and he was great, but Firth was perfect.
Best Actress: Pregnant Portman vs. potential Warren Beatty signing... *cries* this is like so totally hard.
Best Supporting Actress: Do you believe in miracles? Yeah, me neither, however I wouldn't mind seeing HBC whip out a wand and go in an all out duel with Steinfeld and Leo. Would only be the most amazing Oscar battle ever.
Best Supporting Actor: AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING APPROXIMATELY FOUR BATMAN LEATHER NIPPLE SUITS, IT'S CHRISTIAN BALE!
Best Original Screenplay:  Yo Nolan, we beez surry aboutz da no luv 4 u Inception. Hur ye go wit dis pitty Oscur. Yeah right, like that'll ever happen
Best Adapted Screenplay: Let's see if we can decipher a message using only the second word from each nominee: Grit, Hours, Social, Bone, Story. Nope, I'm getting nothing. You?
Best Animated Feature: You know what Toy Story 3 was missing: Daniel Day Lewis. It really needed a milkshake and bowling pin. Missed opportunity.


Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the least useful Oscar predictions you'll read this year.... or ever. Have a good night everyone.