Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Top 5 2011 Oscar Dreams

The Oscar Nominees are in (in case you haven't heard... only 99.9% of the blogs are informing you as such). Well, ladies and gentlemen, the call for Univarn to make his predictions is present. The Univarn Oscar predictions are an esteemed tradition of intellectual analysis, striking at the very heart of the year's issues. Films are torn apart under my scrutinizing eyes. Dissection becomes the new form of declarative superiority with me as the helmsman, charging into the assailing mobs with a large metallic shield in one hand and a great, shimmer long sword in the other.

In other words, I make up a lot of stupid stuff and hope to hell one of them actually happen. Never do though... perhaps I set my dreams too high? Anyways, here we go!

1. Paging Zebra For the Head Butting Scene... I dream that at some point during the 2011 Oscars Philip Seymour Hoffman will approach the stage, in his usual half-drunk half-drugged manner, and stare intently towards the other side. From behind the curtain shall emerge a Black-White Stripped African American Horse (aka Zebra). The BWSAAH shall then snort two times, but not three, for in place of a third it will instead lower its head. An act which the Seymour Hoffman shall return. With each slamming a foot/paw against the ground several times in an intimidating factor, William Shatner will beam onto the stage. He will scream "Ready. Set. HEAD BUTT!" and the BWSAAH and Hoffman shall charge, as fast as their legs dare take them, towards one another. Ramming the crown of their heads, a cloud of smoke will arise... and we shall all eagerly await the return from the commercials when the winner shall emerge.

2. Never Give Up, Never Forget to Thank the Academy... I dream that at some point, preferably during the best acting categories, one of the winners will forget to thank the academy. They shall turn from the camera, and head in the predefined direction off of the stage, when all of the sudden what should appear but.... Tim Allen in sunglasses and a mustache (preferably Snidely Whiplash but I'm not particular). Tim Allen will walk over to the befuddled Oscar winner with determined strides. No manner of auto-cue music will interrupt his quest. Upon reaching his destination, he will remove a glove from his back pant's pocket. Embroidered on the glove will be the face of Oprah and the inscription "Supreme Goddess of the Health Channel." None too carefully Allen will slap, using the appropriate wind and air speed trajectory, the Oscar winner twice across the face. They will forever be shamed.

3. Bankrupt? But We Haven't Even Started Yet... I dream that just as the curtains roll back and Anne Hathaway and James Franco slowly make their way onto the stage, a strange man in a Chinese outfit (Rush Limbaugh is who I hear they usually hire for these things) will stroll out onto the stage. The man will be wearing sunglasses, have a translator beside him, and proceed with the following declaration: "We propose a trade" - which his translator will then repeat in Chinese in case any of them can afford to watch (if this confuses you, you're on the wrong blog). Franco and Hathaway will stand rather perplexed until the Chinese businessman (as I will call him) finishes his proposal. "We will forget all the debt of America," he will say, "if you will give us Dora the Explorer." To no avail shall the Francoway combo plead with the man that Dora the Explorer is not real. Alas, the offer is too good to pass up. So they make a phone call and in ten minutes Justin Bieber is brought in with a Gyllenhaal-esque tan and bowl cut, black-dyed hair. To which the translator will say "close enough" and grab Bieber and take him away from here forever.

4. Go Go Godzilla... I dream that upon accepting the award for whatever random category they won in, a brand new Oscar winner will make a slip of the tongue and say "I'd like to thank Godzilla for this award." Suddenly the room will shake, a cold breeze will fly throughout, and shrieks of fear will drown out all. Panning up the camera will reveal none other than Godzilla himself (or herself) standing firmly above the theater(preferably also sporting a Snidely Whiplash mustache - come on people it just makes everything better!). With a glint of cheer in his (or her) eyes he (/she) will say "thank you, after all these years you finally show your appreciation." By this time the newfound Oscar winner will have realized the mistake and be desperately seeking a way to recant. Unfortunately no such situation will arise and they will have to simply apologize. It does not go over well and Godzilla rampages throughout the city of LA.... until Hank Azaria (the real hero of 98's Godzilla) flies onto the scene.

5. Someone Stuffs Billy Bush in a Safe, Locks it and Destroys all evidence of the combination... You know, I don't have a big long story for this one. I ask for it every year and nobody seems to do it. I don't even care if he's not doing the red carpet or anything Oscar related. At this point, I've invested so much into my utter disdain for everything he is and represents, it's almost worth it for me to write a screenplay, become famous, and do it myself. You know... there's an idea I can get behind.

Well folks, there you have it. My top 5 Oscar Dream predictions for the year of 2011. Will any of them happen? (no) One can only hope.

9 better thoughts:

MovieNut14 said...

...uhhh, yeah.

thevoid99 said...

I hate Billy Bush to. I also hate Kathy Griffin. If I was at the red carpet. I'd beat both of them up.

Castor said...

I hope Michelle Williams takes the Oscar for Best Actress. That's feasible enough!

Sebastian Gutierrez said...

I would totally be down for number three. It also makes complete sense that Bieber would look like Dora the Explorer.

Well done. Here's to Seymour Hoffman and A Zebra duking it out and Godzilla showing up to teach Hollywood a lesson in complacency. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!!

Univarn said...

@MovieNut14 I did warn you

@thevoid99 I can ignore Kathy Griffin well enough to remove myself from any anger towards her

@Castor You'd better start a petition now if you want that

@Sebastian VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!! Now, where are my cookie.

Simon said...


Wouldn't it be funny if, instead of God, someone thanked Allah? I mean, just watch Glenn Beck's head explode.

Ross McG said...

man, what goes on in your head Uni. i once dreamt that there was a Vince Vaughn movie i liked.

StudyCool said...

You should have saved the Seymour v Zebra for the last of the five because it was awesome. Funny read first thing in the morning!

Univarn said...

@Simon Glenn Beck's head will never explode. You could plant dynamite it in and nothing. The man is simply that thick

@Ross Lots of things go on there... only a few ever make it out alive.

@StudyCool Thanks! I try. As to why it was first, I was too proud of it to place it last and risk people not reading it.

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