Something A Bit Like Life
Part 1: Introduction
I'm an odd sort of guy. Not odd in a way that causes people to spend an inordinate amount of time fussing over whether or not he's an odd guy. More of the kind of odd that people instantly recognize upon meeting me, but then move on because someone else has made a funny.
Most of that is because when it comes to social situations I have absolutely no ability to read the flow of a conversation. It's a talent so many of the people I encounter can call upon at the snap of their fingers. I cannot. If I'm not bumbling along desperately hoping one of the many things I'm saying is funny, then I'm likely pushing people off as I share too much information. Of course if these people knew what information I was holding back in place of what I was actually giving then they wouldn't be quite so inclined to whip out the - horrible - go to acronym "TMI."
The problem, as I see it, is that I have spent so much of my life being very reserved that when thrust into a situation where idle chatter and sharing is considered appropriate, I'm not the best at judging what is proper for each situation. Sure, I can listen to other people talk and instantly recognize when someone has stepped over the line. Though when it is I that is doing the talking, well, I'm just out right lost.
That's not to say I don't notice when I have crossed the imaginary line of idle chatter values. I do, but once I've crossed that line there's not much that can be done about it. I certainly can't unsay what I have said. And even if I could I wouldn't be working where I am currently at. No offense to my coworkers. They're all great people and I enjoy working with them, but if I had to power to say something, see its effect, and then retrace myself and say something else instead then I would absolutely loaded (with money, that is).
Alas, I cannot. So I go on from social situation to social situation mindlessly spouting out things nobody really wants to hear - or saying something they do want to hear in a manner or in which they do not want to hear it - and subsequently placing my foot directly into my mouth. For the record, suede shoes taste much better than flip flops...
I attest my general lack of conversational know how to my general distaste for many of the basic building blocks for putting one in social situations. I don't like dancing, coffee, or beer. As such I don't like clubs, coffee shops, or bars. Parties just make me feel insecure and annexed from the core group as my mind struggles to stay focused on whatever they're talking about. So much of what I do enjoy happens to be done with things that I'm just used to doing on my own or with my mother, father, and/or sister. At 25, I hardly expect that to change much.
In many respects of my life this has caused me a bit of undue emotional strain. Not that every amount of emotional pain or suffering I've experienced is without cause. Let's be honest, I can be a right asshole when I so choose (or even when I don't choose. Sometimes the asshole in my materializes out of absolutely nowhere!). Though I would argue that many of my asshole traits have been born out of many consecutive years of not experiencing the many wonderful - or so they tell me - things people of my age are expected to have taken part in. I'll get into specifics another time, but for now feel free to assume that means whatever you want it to.
So, what in the world is this? You might be asking yourself. Or you might not be. Who knows? What this is is a bit of an experiment for me. I've never been one to keep a journal. I'm not the type. But lately I've come to my High Fidelity stage in life. The stage where I find myself desperately seeking back through all the various moments of my life in an effort to figure out how the hell I ended up where I'm at... and why the hell I got here. So I figured if I'm going to bother running it over and over again in my head, I might as well write it down so that other people can read it. If for no other reason than for them to think "well, at least I'm not as fucked up as this guy!"
Of course I'm hoping they hold off on that opinion until I get to part 4 at least....