The Reason I Want to Become A Famous Actor

So that one day I'll be asked to introduce a trailer, and that introduction will go a little bit like this:

"Hi, I'm a celebrity and I've been asked to stand in front of the trailer for the movie I did and tell you to enjoy the trailer. I'm not sure why I'm here because you clearly have the mental functionality to navigate to this website, locate and click the play button so I feel safe in assuming you're also capable of knowing exactly what you're clicking the play button before. Perhaps I'm here because in a moment you're going to be seeing me again and the studio wants to help confuse you by blending the real me with the fictitious character I portray in the movie? Or maybe I'm here because some focus group study determined that seeing me standing alone and talking directly to you before seeing me standing with other actors not talking to you creates a sense of connection with the movie.

If so, clearly you are in need of psychiatric help. Being from Hollywood I've got plenty on speed dial so if you need a recommendation just hit me up on twitter. Wait, maybe that's why I am here! To help those incapable of distinguishing reality from movies understand that I'm a real person. Of course if that was the case you'd think I would be here rattling off the names of various psychiatrists and such in your area instead of talking about a trailer you're already here to see.

Which makes me wonder why I'm here at all. If anything I'm just interrupting you from watching the trailer you were going to watch anyway. It's annoying in the same respect as if every time you called a friend they had to introduce you to your ability to talk to them. We all know what phones are for, and we all know what trailers are for. But I'm going to keep popping up anyways in front of trailers for movies I've done just in case you stumble across one and suddenly have an anxiety attack, and are incapable of understanding what a trailer exists for.

Though I wouldn't blame you. Trailers are essentially a waste of everyone's time. Most especially yours. They're mostly gimmicky, seldom reflective of a film's actual quality, and generally packed with the best scenes of which we're asking you to turn around and pay to seen in the context of the completed work. Though if this isn't enough, no worries. Between clips, production photos, discussion panels, extra theatrical trailers, television trailers, and interviews in everything from late night talk shows to competitive backgammon magazines, we'll be sure you're aware of everything that's going to be in the movie anyways.

Why do we do it? Because we know you're dumb enough to eat it up. Harsh, but true. After all, you're the one turning over your hard earned buckaroos to see something you've already been told everything about. You see more than happy to not read the entire book and just glide by on cliff notes instead of reading a book, but when it comes to the movies it's all or nothing.

So sit back, relax, grab a soda and some popcorn - albeit in very tiny portions - and enjoy the next two minutes of strategically spliced together clips for something I worked on well over a year ago and don't remember a thing about."

Somehow I get the feeling a studio would never let me say that. At least not without massive consequences. Luckily I'll always have David Fincher (and Castor of AM)!