Friday, June 3, 2011

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/03/2011

You will remember me from those other movies. You will remember me from those other movies

Now, normally this is one my favorite posts of the week to write. Mostly because it's the one most guaranteed not to be read, which in turn allows me to say the most obnoxious and insensitive things without fear of repercussion. The downside is, I'm not really in the right frame of mind to perform tonight. So I thought I'd call in some of my best friends from the cinema to take over. Unfortunately they are all a bit narcissistic, so please bear with them.

Wide Release:

X-Men: First Class: Hello, I'm Ben Stein and I'm here to talk to you about dry eyes. Wait, I'm being told that I am not here to talk to you about dry eyes. In fact, I'm only here because some stupid white kid thought it would be funny to try and sneak in a Ferris Bueller repetitive name calling to the class joke solely because the movie I'm now being pegged against has the word 'class in it.' That and the fact that this is the least annoying of the four main career moves I've made. After all, spending my nights staying up watching TV and yelling at Jimmy Kimmel "I made you mofo!" has gotten a bit tiring. However, I think we can all agree that was a sight bit better than my roles in Son of the Mask and Casper. Now excuse me, I have to go sell souls on the black market. Bitches cost money. Stein over and out.

Limited Releases:

Submarine: Hello, I'm Paddy Considine. You know, that awesome guy from all those movies you were too cool to watch. Remember me in Dead Man's Shoes or In America? No, of course you don't. How about Hot Fuzz? Oh come on, I was one of the two guys with a mustache! OK, I think I've got it now. Remember Bourne Ultimatum? Yeah, the really good third one. Right, now stick with me here. Remember the reporter? No? Shit. OK, remember the guy who shows up, talks to Matt Damon and then gets shot in the train station? Yeah!? That was me. There, now that you know who I am, allow me to tell you more about Submarine. What? No time left? Oh for fuck's sake! OK, well at least check me out alongside the very talented Noah Taylor, Sally Hawkins, and Richard Ayoade! What? You've not heard of any of them either? Seriously, sort your shit out.

The Lion of Judah: Hey, remember me? I'm Ernest Borgnine and I'm here because of my involvement in the upcoming animated 3D Christian allegory film, The Lion of Judah. Wait, what? I'm in whaaaaat? Son of a bitch! I didn't know I was still alive! And this is the kind of crap I'm stuck with? All right, all right, I admit it. Doing McHale's Navy with Tom Arnold was an incredibly stupid idea! But haven't I suffered enough? Come on, please take me back! I'll behave. If it helps, I'll go on a Charlie Sheen coke and drinking binge, and start taking out two pornstars a night! Seriously, get me out of this hell hole!


There you go. There's some other movies coming out, but nothing worth the effort of typing out their name. On the plus side, Midnight in Paris and The Tree of Life are both expanding this week (the former considerably more than the latter). So, you should be certain to check your local theaters for that!

Enjoy.

9 better thoughts:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think you outdid yourself today!

Alex said...

Aw poor Paddy Considine, one day you'll be famous! FYI Submarine is sort of middling, because even though it has several awesome adult actors, it tends to focus on the more boring teenage kids. Considine is very funny though!

Obviously X-Men is where my head is at this weekend. Midnight in Paris, Tree of Life, Incendies... they can wait!

Dylan said...

Shitty job, either by the Submarine trailer creators or by me - I've seen it a handful of times and don't recall ever seeing Considine in it. Though I did see Noah Taylor playing the dad, and I've liked him ever since Shine.

I'd never heard of that Judah flick until I went to boxofficemojo this morning and was looking at the theater counts. As if the title alone wasn't enough, the fact that a film I hadn't even heard of was getting a decent limited release (82 theaters, iirc) told me it was a Christian flick.

...had to go investigate more. Holy shit, Michael Madsen's in it, too. And Clint Eastwood's son. WINNER!

Castor said...

I will probably see X-Men because of the overwhelmingly positive reviews. It will wait a week or two though.

This weekend, I hope to see The Tree of Life as well as I Saw the Devil on DVD.

Univarn said...

@AlexJ Thank you, considering I did it because I had nothing to say last night, I think it came out rather well.

@Alex Ah, I've heard some mixed things about it, but I like the talent involved - even if that talent requires me to sit through dull kids.

@Dylan Yeah, he's only mentioned by name and a brief one second shot in the trailer - leading me to believe his role is relatively small.

Considering the talent involved in Judah, what are we thinking - three Oscars minimum? :)

@Castor That's very reasonable of you. I want to see X-Men this weekend, but I also want to see Super 8 next weekend so you never know.

Duke said...

I'm seeing "Super 8" next Tuesday at the press screening.

"X-Men" didn't screen hear because Fox fails. But I'll be checking it out this weekend.

Very clever post sir - by the way, just added you to my blogroll.

Have a good Friday.

Simon said...

You know, you snark on elaborately, but at the end of the day, do you ever feel better?

I wonder, is X-Men a prequel to the original trilogy, or a prequel to the one with Wolverine? Was Emma Frost in that one?

joem18b said...

borgnine is indeed one of the classic "is he still alive?" actors, but from what i've heard, he never met a project he didn't like. workin till he drops.

Univarn said...

@Duke Me = Jealous. One of these days I'll get this blog a proper i.p. address and try and get into some screenings, but who knows when that will be. The number of screenings that come the way of NC are 'eh.'

@Simon What is this 'feel better' that you speak of? As to your other question, from what I've read it's a non-prequel prequel, with reboot and alternate timeline aspirations. Does that make any sense?

@joem18b Thanks for commenting. I've heard similar things about good ol' EB. The sad thing is, his involvement makes me vaguely interested in the movie. Unfortunately, heavy handed christian allegory is never my strong suit.

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