Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Obligatory DVD Release Post 6/21/2011

Hi, I'm Mr. Bandwagon, and this guy is the shit!

First up -

LAMMYs Emilio Estevez was robbed! So, since he's not here, I'd just like to throw out a big thank you to everyone who voted for me. A major congrats to my fellow humorist, Four of Them for being super awesome. And last, but not least, a promise that I will continue to write as much stupid and random stuff as my brain can process until you all are tired of it. If you're thinking "I already am" then welcome to hell! Jon Lovitz is out getting a smoke break, but while you're waiting to meet the big man, check out this humor packed (*cough*) installment of Obligatory DVD Release Post!

New Releases:

Unknown: You know what would have made this movie an epic masterpiece of indisputable stature? Flying Koala Bears of Doom. Without that, all you've got is Liam Neeson walking, driving, and snarling. That's it. He doesn't ride a kangaroo into war, bitch slap an alligator, or even conquer the evil fortress of his arch-nemesis (Ewan McGregor's ponytail) in a mesmerizing spectacle of chicken karate. Lame... I mean, the least they could have done is get Frank Langella to play a '60s blaxploitation pimp.

The Adjustment Bureau: Why doesn't Matt Damon just get it over with already? He has all the markers. He's been trying for years. Is he worried that Robert Downey Jr.'s already ruined the opportunity? Nah, it's golden! For once and for all he can defy the laws of the universe and finally take the role he was born to play. Matt Damon is Team America's Puppet Matt Damon as Matt Damon in Bourne IV: Matt Damon! I'd pay to see it. You would too. Don't lie.

The Eagle: Is currently getting the shit kicked out of it while the world sits around wondering when o' when will Jamie Bell ever step up and take a role in a film anybody wants to watch. Bell, this is reality calling. It's telling you to wake the hell up. Channing Tatum and Hayden Christensen? Are you trying to siphon all their nothingness into a blackhole of costar roles?

Cedar Rapids: As a kid people always asked me if I was related to Jesse Helms. Now I keep getting asked if I'm related to Ed Helms. If a Ryan Helms pops up into the world of cinema and makes it big, I swear I'm going full Bolton on this!

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules: Well... I believe I've finally met my match. Simply put, I ain't got a thing to say.

Other Goodies:

Kiss Me Deadly: Robert Aldrich is a clean sheet in my books. Yet to see a movie of his I truly dislike.

Rather sparse from my perspective, but maybe some people can enlighten me on the merits of the rest of the week's classical offerings -

Honeymoon Machine (Steve McQueen?), Toward the Unknown, Don't Go Near the Water, and Horizontal Lieutenant

Well that's all ladies and gents, happy hunting!

6 better thoughts:

Duke said...

"Unknown" was a tedious and boring mess.

"The Adjustment Bureau" played it too safe, thought still enjoyable.

And "Cedar Rapids" is still in my top 5 for this year. Loved this picture. Rarely does a movie having you smiling throughout - it's a warmhearted, though often raunchy comedy.

Castor said...

Looking forward to see The Adjustment Bureau. Oh wait, nevermind Netflix won't get it for another 8 months.

Simon said...

What? Not even a name check? Surely blood isn't that bad between us, is it?


Never mind.

Congratulations, then.

Univarn said...

@Duke I'll have to check out Cedar Rapids. I'm not a big fan of 'raunchy' but if there's something charming about the overall flow, I can ignore a lot.

@Castor Lame - I'd be interested to see how it plays out on a second viewing.

Univarn said...

@Simon You have a name?

Simon said...

Yes. It's Conroy. Learn it, fool.

(it's not)

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