Friday, May 27, 2011

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 2: Legend of the Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 5/27/2011

Deep in the valleys of Landio Foreigndia there exists a monk (as noted by the bald head) who has seen the end of time, and the dawn of a new era. This moment of enlightenment was so magnanimous he hurried to his feet and began the twelve year journey back to civilization. Unfortunately his tale was cut short when a production crew ran over his six thousand year old bandwagon because it was hurting their light. Lost and without the supplies to carry on, he fell to his knees, fighting with every instinct he had against the rising darkness. But his time had passed. And in the lonesome wilderness stretching for miles in all directions he whispered "was that the guy from G-Force? What a shit movie..." before giving in to that eternal loss known as Death.

*shrug* Not like you read all that anyways :)

Wide Releases:

The Hangover 2: The Hangover in five seconds - "OMG Dude, what happened last night?" "I don't know, but I've got this love letter from Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott thanking me for the wonderful evening..." "Hey, why don't we check this camera which seems to be following us around everywhere." "Ah, groom on roof. Asian man in car. Heather Graham riding off into the sunset with a better career choice. Let's take care of this rubbish and go home ASAP." *all at once* "Right." THE END. There you have it. Now, what about Hangover 2? Just film two hours in the life of Charlie Sheen, show it only to a theater in Detroit. Easy said, easy done. Why doesn't Hollywood ask my advice more often? Well, technically they never have, but still.

Kung Fu Panda 2: Ah yes, no better way to spend Memorial Day than with a bunch of drunkards or overweight kung fu master animals unworthy of pet status. Seriously, Pandas are evil! Why don't people see it? Just look at a photo of them and you can see it in their eyes. Let them out of captivity and wham, full out war. I swear it. Yeah yeah, endangered species my ass. It's all part of their plan. To heck with your grassy knowles, non-moon landings, and aliens. This is a real, viable threat. To arms people, to arms! This is only the first attack. Soon, the real war will be on us. I predict it will occur on October 21st of this year! Take that, Harold Camping... we'll see who chickens out first.

Limited Release:

Tree of Life: Only four theaters, but the moment of truth is upon us. Is this the Cannes Palme d'Or winner, or the splitting cry of boos and cheers? Having experienced Malick's films, it's probably a bit of both. So, here's to me... because in a few months time when I finally see this, I'll either be pissing off fans or haters of Malick's latest film by daring to be indifferent. Oh, woe is the life of a perpetual apathetic soul.

Well, there are you options. Brave them well, and enjoy as best you can! For next week we finally get into movies I actually want to see!

7 better thoughts:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Definitely skipping the Hangover 2.

Brittani Burnham said...

I'll see The Hangover 2, but I'm not expecting much. The only reason the first one was so funny was because I expected it to be crap.

I'm very interested in seeing how Tree of Life fairs, I haven't quite got on their bandwagon yet. I need more convincing.

Nikhat said...

I still love the Hangover... but it's never a good idea to make a sequel of a comedy film.
Having said that, I actually wanna watch all the releases this week, Gary Oldman is in Kung Fu Panda 2 soo... and I almost watched Red Riding Hood for him soo...

Anonymous said...

I've got to wait another week for The Tree of Life to show in Texas, but after waiting for about four years, I'm fine waiting another seven days.

In the meantime, I'll probably go check out Kung Fu Panda 2 seeing how much I liked the first one.

As for Hangover 2...fat chance.

Univarn said...

@AlexJ I take it this means you'll be first in line for Kung Fu Panda 2?

@Brittani Report back, if we don't hear from you in five days, we'll wait another five days.

@Nikhat It is an unfortunate truth that very seldom do comedy sequels work. Often times, I might argue, it's because they just do the same thing again.

@Cinemasights Really? You seem so much like the Hangover fan type. :)

Castor said...

I will check out The Hangover 2 but only on Netflix. I'm sure it's still pretty decent summer entertainment but I thought The Hangover to be overrated.

Kung Fu Panda 2 I will skip. Kiddies movie.

I will see Midnight in Paris this weekend instead and patiently wait for The Tree of Life next week.

Simon said...

Oh, you and your misanthropy. Look at the bright sides:

The Hangover Part 2 might actually be an experimental, post-modern remake. Maybe Lars von Trier is putting us on with the Taxi Driver version of The Five Obstructions, and this is his covert operation. Next up: Part 3, taking place in claymation Siberia, and each 24-second shot has to be in a different shade of green.

Kung Fu Panda 2 has JCVD and his sexay Belgian accent. So.

The Tree of Life will probably make the greater blogging community shut the fuck up for a few days while they composed reviews they consider proper enough for such pants-staining epicness.

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