Sunday, May 15, 2011

Five Films Actors Would Rather Forget About

You know, it's hard being an actor. Honestly, you never know whether the next film you're about to do will be the summer's biggest hit, miss, or the last paycheck anyone will bother signing your way. So I don't begrudge them the roles that make our heads do more 180 degree turns than Linda Blair at an international Polka competition (aka greatest thing on earth). Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to forgive them either. No, I like to wear them like battle scars - more emotional than physical, however in some cases those emotional pains go real deep.

So, without further ado I give you five performances that, given the opportunity, I feel the following actors wouldn't mind so much were they to have been 'accidentally' wiped from all record:

5. Gary Oldman as That Guy Who Kinda Made Matt LeBlanc Seem Like a Talented Actor in LOST IN SPACE

The Original Spider-Man. *Fight the Power*

4. Amy Adams as That Girl Who Looks Nothing Like She Will In the Original Film Even Though This is a Prequel and is Inexplicably Named the 2nd Installment Even Though It Makes F*@( All Sense When Compared To the Original in CRUEL INTENTIONS 2

Hey, it's not that I don't like Amy Adams. It's that everybody needs a reality check sometime. So chill out about there Adams apologists!

3. Paul Giamatti as The Overgrown Smurf Forced to Share Screen Time With Frankie Muniz and Amanda Bynes to the Eternal Shame of all Who Bore Witness To This "Film" in BIG FAT LIAR

Coincidentally this is how I look after my weekly Jazzersize class.

2. The Entire Cast of Battlefield Earth Because All These Years Later We're Still Laughing at You, Not With You in BATTLEFIELD EARTH (might seem redundant to mention the name of the film but I'm ok with that)


The best part about this film is that it pretty much killed most white male's efforts at getting dreadlocks

1. Robert De Niro as... as... as.......... Seriously, What in the Hell Was He Thinking? I Mean... My God... It's Just... GAHHHHHHHHHH in THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY & BULLWINKLE

Seriously, next thing I know you'll be doing shit cop thrillers with overpraised mediocre rappers. I mean... wait? Oh dear god, no....


Ah, memory lane. It smells a bit like a junk yard just after a three hour mating ritual featuring all the sweaty people from Zion. On the plus side, more dreadlocks. On the downside, Laurence Fishburne's gap is also a portal to Narnia so we've those annoying kids running around the place.

25 better thoughts:

MovieNut14 said...

Hah! I'm sure they so want to forget these movies.

Nikhat said...

I kind of liked Big Fat Liar...but I was going through an Amanda Bynes-phase when I saw it. Then again, having an Amanda Bynes-phase can be perceived as a bad thing.

How about Nicholas Cage doing that weird character in everything?

Chris David Richards said...

On number 3: what on earth is that?

Dan O. said...

Oh god I actually think I forgot about all these two! Especially Cruel Intentions 2, that is just total crap! Good List!

Alan said...

Meryl Streep in She-Devil. She must cringe every time she hears about Roseanne Barr.

Joel Burman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joel Burman said...

Cruel Intensions 2 is such a guilty pleasure of mine and I love seeing Amy play a real sleazeball.

Red said...

I always get sad when I see Giamatti in blue. I don't care if it's just a shirt, it's a horrible reminder of that film.

Almost anything De Niro has done this past decade could be put on this.

Film Intel said...

Things learnt from this post;

1 - no matter how strong the desire I will never rewatch LOST IN SPACE when it's on obscure channels late at night.

2 - there's a CRUEL INTENTIONS 2?!

Univarn said...

@MovieNut I think some of them have tried desperately.

@Nikhat The thing is, and the reason he didn't make the list, i think he really enjoys playing that character.

@Chris That is a monster even horror filmmakers would be frightened of.

@DanO Sorry for bringing back bad memories!

@Joel It's nice to see her play a darker role, but I'd prefer it not be the degernate second cousin to an established film built on the interplay of its original grouping.

@Red Too true... too true....

@Film-Intel That movie sank a lot of talent without even batting an eye. William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Gary Oldman, Jared Harris, and Heather Graham. Even Uwe Boll could have walked away with a nomination for best sound editing....

It's Cruel Intentions 2, but like most straight to DVD prequels, it undoes all the plot points of the original to make it fit.

Lesya Khyzhnyak said...

Never seen any of these.

Castor said...

Yea, glad I haven't had to subject myself to any of those.

Fitz said...

I can't believe Oldman was in 'Lost in Space'. I knew about the other roles but not that one.

The Film Connoisseur said...

Good list, Im with you on this one...what the hell was Robert Deniro thinking when he did Rocky and Bullwinkle? I guess he thought it was going to be as big of a hit as Roger Rabitt which was the big success at the time...but damn!

Univarn said...

@Lesya Lucky

@Castor Perhaps you should try one and give it a go - you know, because suffering is better in groups :\

@Fitz In fairness, he'll always be awesome... even in the worst of films.

@FilmConn If that thought was the disease that got him to take the role, the casting of Piper Perabo as the main human protagonist should have been the cure.

Fletch said...

Sweet idea for a list, 'Varn.

The thing is, Adams and Giammati have an excuse for theirs, as they weren't famous yet at the time of those roles. I can't blame them for taking roles in higher profile films than they had probably been in prior to that.

Everyone else...GUILTY!

Simon said...

Big Fat Liar was the only movie I ever watched when I was a kid. Way to shatter my childhood.

Univarn said...

@Fletch Fair enough on Adams, but it doesn't make the movie any less worse, or her performance any less bleh. As to Giamatti, there's no excuse for Muniz AND Bynes. That's just asking for trouble.

@Simon Your childhood is one hell of an enigma.

MovieNut14 said...

@Univarn Wait, you mean like lobotomies? That desperately?

Castor said...

I knew Joel would somehow appear out of nowhere to defend Amy Adams! ;p

Ruth said...

Oh god...Rocky and Bullwinkle...just ugh *shudders*.
The only thing I liked about that film was Whoopi Goldberg's brief cameo going 'OH MY GOD ITS ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE!'...and that was about 2 seconds worth of film, so even her appearance in that was wasted.

Univarn said...

@MovieNut I wouldn't dare confirm or deny that possibility.

@Castor Well, some people are ninjas that way

@Ruth I've always found it a shame that Whoopi Goldberg has been unable to get powerful dramatic work following The Color Purple...

Ruth said...

I know :( She is too amazing, its hard to believe she hasn't.

Mark said...

Ha ha, love this post, made me laugh a lot!!

Joel Burman said...

Castor: Thats part of my morning routine, browsing for anything Amy Adams related that's not a praisal and then I make sure they know they are wrong. Hahahah

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