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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A little while back Rich of Wide Screen World presented his tips to movie theaters to help them regain the allure they once held. Well, to be honest, I don't think he went far enough. Helping to make movie watching an enjoyable experience for all requires the work of all. So I've come up with some new societal laws that I believe should be put into effect asap.
1. If the person sitting in front of you in the movie theater takes out their cell phone and begins texting, you are socially obligated to begin kicking the back of their chair repeatedly until A) They stop or B) They turn around with an annoyed expression on their face at which time you must lean in and with your most mocking non-apologetic tone say "sorry, was I bothering you?" - and then jack their cell phone and throw it against the wall. Note: This rule applies in equal measurement to any form of excessively annoying conversation at the theater. Just don't throw people against the wall, a good back handed pimp slap will suffice.
2. Rental agencies, such as Netflix and Blockbuster (well, maybe not Blockbuster - Red Box, that's hip and current) should be required to hire a CSI squad to investigate who the hell are these people who keep scratching up DVDs beyond bearable and returning them as if nothing happened. Once the culprits are found, anyone who has had to try and struggle through the DVD(s) they returned will be called upon for their opportunity to take a whack at them - Airplane style.
3. Movie theaters, including (and perhaps especially) chains, are required to screen at least one classic movie once a month (and no, that kind of popular animated film from last year doesn't count) with suggestions to be offered from potential patrons either via their website, or another method. Any movie theater who fails to do this, will be bumped back one week of the latest wide releases for each month they fail to take part. By showing multiple screenings a month, the theaters can earn back their lost weeks, or build up a credit in case they do miss a month.
4. Studios must stop all production on any video game adaptations and hire a special board of people to determine the plausibility of a game being turned into a movie, prior to continuing. This board should be made up of (talented) filmmakers, video game fans, and critics of both mediums. This is the only way to save us all a lot of time that we'll never get back (and if you're going to whine about it studios - you should have thought about that before you went and did Super Mario Bros. We still haven't forgiven you for that).
5. A federal investigation must be launched to inquire into how people like Paul W.S. Anderson, Uwe Boll, and the Wibberley brothers, among others who will be shortlisted, manage to make profitable films, and are allowed to continue making movies. Regardless of the outcome of the investigations, we will find them all guilty of inhumane practice and have them blacklisted from ever working in Hollywood again. Yes, I'm advocating for the recreation of HUAC - minus the communism, corruption, and worry about stupid things with me in charge (because I'm better) - investigating a real issue: The retardation of society.
So, there you have it. My unconventional laws that I believe should be put into effect immediately for the sake of all mankind. Now, I want to know - what would be some of yours?