Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Univarn's Unconventional Laws of the Movies


A little while back Rich of Wide Screen World presented his tips to movie theaters to help them regain the allure they once held. Well, to be honest, I don't think he went far enough. Helping to make movie watching an enjoyable experience for all requires the work of all. So I've come up with some new societal laws that I believe should be put into effect asap.

1. If the person sitting in front of you in the movie theater takes out their cell phone and begins texting, you are socially obligated to begin kicking the back of their chair repeatedly until A) They stop or B) They turn around with an annoyed expression on their face at which time you must lean in and with your most mocking non-apologetic tone say "sorry, was I bothering you?" - and then jack their cell phone and throw it against the wall. Note: This rule applies in equal measurement to any form of excessively annoying conversation at the theater. Just don't throw people against the wall, a good back handed pimp slap will suffice.

2. Rental agencies, such as Netflix and Blockbuster (well, maybe not Blockbuster - Red Box, that's hip and current) should be required to hire a CSI squad to investigate who the hell are these people who keep scratching up DVDs beyond bearable and returning them as if nothing happened. Once the culprits are found, anyone who has had to try and struggle through the DVD(s) they returned will be called upon for their opportunity to take a whack at them - Airplane style.

3. Movie theaters, including (and perhaps especially) chains, are required to screen at least one classic movie once a month (and no, that kind of popular animated film from last year doesn't count) with suggestions to be offered from potential patrons either via their website, or another method. Any movie theater who fails to do this, will be bumped back one week of the latest wide releases for each month they fail to take part. By showing multiple screenings a month, the theaters can earn back their lost weeks, or build up a credit in case they do miss a month.

4. Studios must stop all production on any video game adaptations and hire a special board of people to determine the plausibility of a game being turned into a movie, prior to continuing. This board should be made up of (talented) filmmakers, video game fans, and critics of both mediums. This is the only way to save us all a lot of time that we'll never get back (and if you're going to whine about it studios - you should have thought about that before you went and did Super Mario Bros. We still haven't forgiven you for that).

5. A federal investigation must be launched to inquire into how people like Paul W.S. Anderson, Uwe Boll, and the Wibberley brothers, among others who will be shortlisted, manage to make profitable films, and are allowed to continue making movies. Regardless of the outcome of the investigations, we will find them all guilty of inhumane practice and have them blacklisted from ever working in Hollywood again. Yes, I'm advocating for the recreation of HUAC - minus the communism, corruption, and worry about stupid things with me in charge (because I'm better) - investigating a real issue: The retardation of society.

So, there you have it. My unconventional laws that I believe should be put into effect immediately for the sake of all mankind. Now, I want to know - what would be some of yours?

4 better thoughts:

Rachel [ f.g.i. ] said...

This is hilarious and genius!

#1 - I've never actually kicked the back of someone's seat, but I've let out a loud 'OH COME ON'

#2 - This drives me crazy! I've had to take a couple DVDs back and exchange them because they were so destroyed. The rental kiosks like Redbox are even worse!

#3 - Brilliant idea.

#4 - Hahaha! Yes! Totally agree with you here. How hard would it be to get a panel together?

#5 - Love it.

I would also like to add a temporary ban on Natalie Portman, at least until she gets herself together and remembers her roots. She's a talented actress, but THOR and YOUR HIGHNESS after you've won an Oscar? It seems awfully desperate and anti-indie.

Rich said...

You wanna talk about scratched DVDs? I spent over ten years in video retail. I remember when the switch from VHS tapes to DVDs began, and the biggest problem we had with renting DVDs, bar none, was scratched discs and dealing with customer complaint about them.

I remember we'd use a kind of goop or paste and wipe it on the flip side of the disc and that was supposed to seal the grooves caused from the scratches or something. Strangely enough, though, by 2003, when I was at a different video store, it was less of a problem. Or it could be that we didn't give a crap.

There's a theater in my neighborhood that does show classic films along with the new stuff - one afternoon showing a week, for only $2 or $3 (I forget which). It can't be very profitable for them but I'm glad they do it.

Simon said...

It is, however, considered acceptable to make disatisfied noises when a film has a particularly stupid ending. For instance: At the end of Remember Me, one might scream 'GODDAMMIT'. This is fine.

Castor said...

I don't scratch DVDs as I know how to handle them with care but I had a couple of my DVDs badly scratched when I played them in my PlayStation 2 so certainly, it's a possibility in some cases.

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