Thursday, February 3, 2011

Diary of a Best Picture Winner

DIARY OF A BEST PICTURE WINNER

November 15: Dear Diary,

Today I am to finally be released to the theaters. It has been a long time in the making. All the working out, slimming down, buffing up, cutting this, moving that, highlighting this, supporting that, has made me I'm tired. It's also made me very nervous about the reception I will receive. Early critic reviews have been rather well, and I even managed a good showing at some festivals, but those don't always mean universal success. Well, it's time for me to go now. The trucks will be here in a few minutes and I need to be ready to go by lunchtime. See you soon.

December 10: Looking Good,

So far I've done pretty well with the limited release. The theater's aren't packed, but there are more than enough people there for my liking. I've even overheard some grumbling of awards from the people attending the showings. Oh, that would be so lovely. The producers stopped by today to talk about what clips they wanted from me for an amped up commercial campaign. They really seem to be standing behind me. I can tell you it's a good feeling. But I musn't get my hopes up. All I can do right now is keep playing to the best of my ability and hope people love it.

December 31: WAHOO!

I just heard from some of the producers that I've won several critical awards. According to the buzz, I could even be a shoe in for the Oscars. Everyone seems to love me. The theaters are jam packed, everyone is leaving with hug smiles of delight. Everywhere I go people stop and tell me how great an impact I had on them. The smiles on their faces, the thoughtful glint in their eye, and the retrospective manner gives me thrills like I had never imagined. Happy new year!

January 10: I don't understand...

Just a month ago I was the talk of the town, now I can't even leave the theater. It's scary. Every time I get played people run out and yell that "I wasn't that good." Some of these people were raving about me just a couple weeks ago. Now they can't stop talking about this other film. What changed? Did I do something wrong? Most of my fellow movie friends won't even talk to me anymore. These are really sad days. It's not like I made them give me the awards. Who would have known getting them would be so antagonizing.

January 31: Not sure where I stand.

It seems now that I'm caught in an odd battleground. The other film has started taking up a lot of awards, but lots of my fans have come back to praising me. It doesn't make sense. They seem to hate the other film winning more than they actually like me. In essence, I have become their fallback option. No matter what I do, I can't win. If I do win they'll hate me for not being as good as some other film, but if I don't win they'll disregard me as just another piece of extraneous award season debris.

February 15th: Neck and Neck.

According to all the news networks it's down to me and the same other film for the Oscar. I'm not sure why it's only us two. In fairness, I haven't seen the other contestants so I can't comment. However, everyone says I'm the underdog and that's to my advantage. I'll have to take their word on that. To me, it doesn't make any difference. I want to be remembered, but this is all too confusing to know where I stand exactly.

March 1st: GREATEST DAY EVER!

I can't believe it, I actually won! Oh there was a standing ovation, and all these celebrities cheering. A few members of the audiences even cried. CRIED! For me! Forget everything I said about not caring or understanding, this is the moment I've dreamed of my entire life. No more confusion for me, this Oscar certifies that I'm the best. All the mental pain and struggle was worth it. Hollywood's accepted me, and now I sit among the elite.

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Ten Years Later: Two people.

That's all that bothered to show up tonight. A special screening and that's all! Even they didn't seem to care that much. The whole time they were mumbling about this film that wasn't even nominated that year and how crap I was by comparison. Crap? Me!? I won the damn Oscar for best picture! What did the other film win? Nothing. You know why? Because ten years ago nobody had even heard of it! Is that my fault? Should I have stopped half way through and asked them to go to the theater down the street behind the port-a-john factory and watch it? I didn't make the Oscar voters choose me. But they did... and apparently that's my fault.

Oh well, I'm too old to bother anymore. One day I'll be too old for people to care about the Oscar. Too old for them to wonder so passionately about whether or not I should have won. I'll play to sold out art house crowds with 'new footage' and interviews with the director and writer who so laboriously brought me to life. They'll honor me with special anniversary releases and timely Oscar series on television. When will that be? I don't know. Until then, I play. I play because that's what I do. After all, I am only a film.

11 better thoughts:

Andrew Robinson said...

nice one... I kind of you expected to make a stab at something like Troll 2... the film that won the razzie but get's packed theatres and all the laughs just for being what the Oscar winner isn't

Robert said...

Oh my goodness, amazing post. It actually makes me feel a lot of sympathy for Oscar season movies!

Lesya Khyzhnyak said...

I agree that the post is great and as usually interesting to read, but isn't it too pessimistic.

Jess said...

Great post! Works so well to explain the stupid awards season that I love.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Liked the ending - isn't that what usually happens to the big Oscar winners? Unless it also made a ton of money, everyone forgets about it.

Univarn said...

@Andrew Nah, Troll 2 is far too easy a target. I don't beat dead horses in public.... I massage them and wait until nobody is looking.

@Robert Thanks, glad you liked it. I don't know if I truly sympathize with them so much as I wanted to look at them from a new angle.

@Lesya Pessimistic? Maybe, but I might argue it's unfortunately too realistic. Sure I might have gone overboard with the 'two people,' Oscar winners tend to do better than that. However, try and think of an Oscar winner in the last ten years that hasn't come under massive scrutiny from some body of film goers for being undeserving while it's main fans fall by the wayside into new films.

@Jess Thanks. We all love it, but god only knows why :P

@AlexJ Aye, forgetting about films seems to be the one commonality all film bloggers share.

Simon said...

That's...depressing...

CS said...

Love this post...absolutely love it. To quote Homer Simpson "it's funny because it's true."

To me winning a best picture Oscars is no different than buying a new car. At first everyone loves the car because it is new and different. Yet the value of the car immediately depreciates once it is purchased and taken is off the lot. Ten years later no one can remember what it was about the car that was so special in the first place.

Castor said...

Ahaha nice post Univarn! However, you forgot the 2 years later: massive backlash ;)

rossvross.com said...

hehe. films costing millions of dollars to make have feelings too...

Rick Tran said...

Brilliant!
Love the "Ten Years Later. Two people." Ha!

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