Friday, January 28, 2011

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 1/28/2011

Wide Releases: 

The Mechanic: It doesn't matter how much five o'clock shadow gruff you throw on Statham, it's not a viable replacement for the Charles Bronson 'stache. And no, I know he's been in the news a lot, but I don't mean the one Tom Hardy wore when he played the notorious criminal Bronson. Here in the land of LiE we mean PROPER Charles Bronson mustache! Just look at it. The thing glistens. You think the glow is coming from something else? No, that's merely the power of the Bronson. The day he died the world lost 3.492010% of light. You know why. We all do. The 'stache was gone, and the world has not been the same since. So Statham, try as you might, you'll never be good ol' Charlie Bronson.

The Rite: Ingredients to an exorcism film. 1) Have an elderly, seasoned preacher that's a bit creepy. 2) A young skeptic looking for something more in life. 3) An equal, or younger girl who will serve as the medium through which the demon will enter our world (because we all know women suck at remembering their anti-demon deodorant). You put the three in a blender, add a Hispanic lady if you got one, and there you have it. Bon a la Hopkins.

Limited Releases: 

Biutiful: You can't even begin to imagine how annoyed I was to find that this wasn't Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's two hour long homage to James Blunt song You're Beautiful (man, I'm rolling on the music references - I believe that makes two this year already). Blunt is a musical genius (so says Wikipedia) and he deserves a proper platform for those of us obsessed with him (Bluntheads?) to engulf ourselves in the tomato sauce bowl of his deep melodic tunes. Well that, and Javier Bardem kind of looks like him. I swear, it was just a simple mistake :(

From Prada to Nada: IMDB describes this as Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility with a Latina spin. Sounds about a riveting as competitive hemorrhoids complainathon held at your local retirement home. Strike that, I'd rather watch the complainathon.

Kaboom: Hey it's Thomas Dekker... easily the third best John Connor. Hey it's Juno Temple... that other young actress from Atonement (unfortunately overshadowed by Benedict Cumberbatch's awesomeness). *yawn* Lots of people seem stoked for this. Every time I've tried to think about it, I found myself thinking about chocolate bunnies and how yummy they are. Yeah, don't care too much here. For those that will, have at ye.

Well, that's all folks (insert your own porky the pig impression here).  Enjoy your Weekend, and be sure to keep an eye out for a special post from me!

9 better thoughts:

Aiden R. said...

I miss Bronson...

DEZMOND said...

one of the reasons to watch THE RITE is Serbian actress Marija Karan:

The Mad Hatter said...

Looks like RABBIT HOLE and perhaps INCENDIES are on tap for me this weekend.

Happy Friday y'all!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm still checking out The Mechanic tonight. And The Rite has a really good chance of sucking.

Alex said...

I just watched the original Mechanic this week- it was my first Charles Bronson film! His mustache was pretty damned shiny. I'm kind of interested in the remake since I feel that there's room for improvement/adjustment in an updated version, if done well.

Ross McG said...

The Mechanic looks fricking great.

Simon said...

What is it with excorcism films having to have possessed youg thangs make aggressive passes at old guys?

Do you mean to imply that Nick Stahl isn't the worst John Connor? Because this I will not stand for.

Castor said...

Not interested in either The Rite or The Mechanic. I will probably catch a movie or two on Instant Netflix instead this weekend.

Univarn said...

@Aiden Me too

@Dezmond Sold. Where do I buy one of those?

@Mad Enjoy Rabbit Hole... well, as much as it can be enjoyed

@AlexJ Good luck with The Mechanic, hope all goes well

@Alex Well, I believe it's not a direct remake and much more of an 'in the spirit of' endeavor

@Ross Report back and we shall see

@Simon My Connor ordering: Furlong > Bale > Dekker > Stahl. True, Bale didn't do much... but he's Christian Bale. Standing alone in a forest licking a tree, he's better than most

@Castor Maybe a Kurosawa film or two on Instant Netflix? *nudge nudge* I'm still waiting on that Seven Samurai review.

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