Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 1/28/2011

Wide Releases: 

The Mechanic: It doesn't matter how much five o'clock shadow gruff you throw on Statham, it's not a viable replacement for the Charles Bronson 'stache. And no, I know he's been in the news a lot, but I don't mean the one Tom Hardy wore when he played the notorious criminal Bronson. Here in the land of LiE we mean PROPER Charles Bronson mustache! Just look at it. The thing glistens. You think the glow is coming from something else? No, that's merely the power of the Bronson. The day he died the world lost 3.492010% of light. You know why. We all do. The 'stache was gone, and the world has not been the same since. So Statham, try as you might, you'll never be good ol' Charlie Bronson.

The Rite: Ingredients to an exorcism film. 1) Have an elderly, seasoned preacher that's a bit creepy. 2) A young skeptic looking for something more in life. 3) An equal, or younger girl who will serve as the medium through which the demon will enter our world (because we all know women suck at remembering their anti-demon deodorant). You put the three in a blender, add a Hispanic lady if you got one, and there you have it. Bon a la Hopkins.

Limited Releases: 

Biutiful: You can't even begin to imagine how annoyed I was to find that this wasn't Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's two hour long homage to James Blunt song You're Beautiful (man, I'm rolling on the music references - I believe that makes two this year already). Blunt is a musical genius (so says Wikipedia) and he deserves a proper platform for those of us obsessed with him (Bluntheads?) to engulf ourselves in the tomato sauce bowl of his deep melodic tunes. Well that, and Javier Bardem kind of looks like him. I swear, it was just a simple mistake :(

From Prada to Nada: IMDB describes this as Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility with a Latina spin. Sounds about a riveting as competitive hemorrhoids complainathon held at your local retirement home. Strike that, I'd rather watch the complainathon.

Kaboom: Hey it's Thomas Dekker... easily the third best John Connor. Hey it's Juno Temple... that other young actress from Atonement (unfortunately overshadowed by Benedict Cumberbatch's awesomeness). *yawn* Lots of people seem stoked for this. Every time I've tried to think about it, I found myself thinking about chocolate bunnies and how yummy they are. Yeah, don't care too much here. For those that will, have at ye.


Well, that's all folks (insert your own porky the pig impression here).  Enjoy your Weekend, and be sure to keep an eye out for a special post from me!