Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 12/10/2010

After meeting the mysterious Elise in Italy, Mickey Ward is on the run from the law and must travel on the famous Dawn Treader in search of Aslan, his drug addicted half-brother lion. Through constant training, Mickey gains the skills he needs to defeat The White Witch, clear his name, and finally fall in love with Charlene, the bar hostess he met along the way.

There, how does that sound for a film mix up?

Wide Releases:

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: Have I mentioned before that I hold a grudge against any film that uses the colon without my permission? I mean, don't they know I have a blog to write here, and that they're (intentional) use of the colon hinders the visual flow? Make no mistake about it, this blog is a work of art - an absolute gem. People travel from all around the world for the privilege of gazing upon this exercise in craftsmanship. How do you think I get these big guns? I am of course referring to my two tortoises - Gunner and Gunny.

The inner child in me is screaming out 'FANTASY FANTASY' while the curmudgeon adult in me is going 'rawr christian allegory rawr.' Which side will win out? Stay tuned to find out!

The Tourist: "If you look over here you'll see how the city is actually built around the river, giving Venice its unique charm." Yawn. When they named this move The Tourist I was kind of hoping it would be a clever play on a character's role. I didn't expect that this was actually just two hours of you being 'the tourist' in a city. What happened to Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany, and Timothy Dalton? Wait? There they were! I swear, I swear, they just run pass the screen in a high speed chase. Why aren't we following them? Because we're just being shown what tourists see? OH COME ON!!!!! This takes art house cinema to an all time low.

I'll see anything with the dual combo of Paul Bettany and Timothy Dalton, but at 15% on Rotten Tomatoes I'm going to wait until DVD.

Limited Releases:

The Fighter:  What happens when you push someone to the edge? Well they flail their arms around a bit and, if they're lucky, they maintain their balance and avoid falling. Of course that's assuming the one pushing isn't someone with '200lbs' on them and instead of pushing, they're hitting you continuously with red boxing gloves. By the way, am I the only one who thinks Staples is missing a killer marketing opportunity with the red boxing gloves? Just have someone whip out some paint, throw on the word 'EASY' across the knuckles and boom - instant marketing. I know, I know, I should have majored in marketing. We can't all be natural prodigies now can we? :)

Just about every review I'm reading says the same thing: Christian Bale is an Oscar nominee in waiting while the rest is generic muddle that lives and dies by its performances. To be honest, I'm fine with that. Generic muddle is my middle name. Well, actually it's Lee, but if I could chose my middle name...

The Tempest: When the dam for this trailer broke, and the internet was flooded with posts, I scoffed and gagged at the performances, which seemed packed with great actors 'chewing up scenery.' We all know Julie Taymor has an unmatched eye for creating vivid environments for her characters to live in. I just feel she doesn't need to extend it so much. Less Across the Universe, more Titus/Frida.

The Garden of Eden: From the unfinished Ernest Hemingway story, comes a finished film that I don't know anybody interesting in seeing. Hemingway is notoriously difficult to adapt for cinema and the current 9% on RottenTomatoes (in fairness I should point out there's only 11 reviews in) doesn't give the impression that's going to change anytime soon. If you feel the need to see a Hemingway adaptation, do yourself a favor and check out To Have and Have Not or The Killers. Will save you lots of time plus you get Bogart & Bacall or Lancaster & Gardner. What's not to like about that?


Well ladies and gentlemen, that about does it for this week. As a final note: +2 respect points for anyone who can find the commonality in all of the releases this week (hint: What's in a ______, That which we call a rose...)

So, what are you checking out this weekend? Heading out to theaters or playing it safe with a DVD and home viewing? Enjoy your weekend!