Ladies and gentlemen, Univarn here with a brand new series. I have perused the entire internet, dissecting, analyzing, and deriving the MOST important news stories of the week for your reading pleasure. Be aware my young readers some of these news stories will shock you. They will tear into the very fabric of your being and siphon out all you can muster. Approach with caution, but do approach!
Super 8 Monster Revealed!
In a surprise announcement this week, JJ Abrams revealed, through the use of a mediator IMDB user account, the upcoming monster for his highly anticipated 2011 film Super 8. We here at A Life in Equinox have attained an exclusive photograph of the monster in action...
["Real" news story:
JoBlo.com brilliantly broke the news on something that isn't likely to be the monster in Super8]
THE DARK NIGHT RISES Surprise Villain Announcement
Christopher Nolan surprised everyone this week when he announced that in the upcoming third installment to his ongoing Batman franchise, ALL Batman villains, past and present, will be simultaneously in and not in the upcoming film The Dark Knight rises. Nolan and company will be using brand new film technology, involving the combination of matter and anti-matter, that was created during a freak accident after a dvd copy of The Prestige merged with Primer during a fire at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. Nolan has come out and stated "we are very excited for this unique discovery, and the incredible implications it will have on the future of cinema."
[Real News Story:
No Two-Face in Batman 3, courtesy The Film Stage]
PIXAR Begins World Domination
In an effort to battle the ever increasing need among film goers for everything Pixar, Chief Creative Officer John Lasseter announced today in an interview with MovieNewsWebsite that a deal recently etched with major studios Warner Bros., Fox, Paramount, Miramax, Sony, and Universal will give Pixar complete creative control over all their upcoming productions. Lasseter is quoted as saying "suck on this one Dreamworks!"
Dreamworks chief Jeffrey Katzenberg couldn't be reached for comment when the news story went to press.
[Real Story: Jeffrey Katzenberg announces plans to release multiple installments for three major Dreamworks animation films Kung Fu Panda, How to Train Your Dragon and Madagascar -
Empire]
Tragedy Strikes Twilight Film Set
On a sad note, I would just like to take a moment of silence for the three hundred Twilight fans who passed away this evening. The fans were camping just on the outset of the set's primary filming location when Twilight stars Robert Pattinson Taylor Lautner emerged from their trailers Wednesday morning. Pattinson and Lautner, unaware of the potential impact, smiled simultaneously to their adoring fans. The dual smiles, or as the mainstream press has decided to call it: PATNERGATE, caught the fans by surprise. Each fan was convinced the smiles were meant only for them, and widespread hysteria broke out. By the time police intervention had gotten there it was too late. When asked how he felt about the situation Robert Pattinson said ".............................." Taylor Lautner's agent sent out a hand written apology letter to each family member of the fans, along with a signed photograph of Lautner shirtless, saying "my bad."
[Real News Story: A photo with a hand and feather, possibly implying sex, was released via
twitter for the upcoming Twilight film. I don't know about you but if I want sex in my cinema I leave it to the pros - Paz Vega]
Psychologists Make Scientific Breakthrough with Celebrities
Dr. Ivan Hamiltof, a psychologist to the stars, of Los Angeles published his findings today on the minimalizing of narcissism, egotism, and sycophantic nature of many of the modern celebrities. Dr. Hamiltof stated in the publication that he found when a celebrity was acting in a manner that reflected one of the prior three traits, hitting that celebrity over the head with a stuffed animal would temporarily snap them out of it. Hamiltof went on to say "each celebrity seems to have their own unique stuffed animal trigger that can only be determined through trial and error, and many long sessions." Hamiltof also found that the number of times he would hit a celebrity would impact the duration in which they maintained a normal frame of mind, at "roughly one hit for every twenty-five minutes."
[Real News Story: The first trailer and poster for Jodie Foster's upcoming directorial effort The Beaver, starring Mel Gibson, are now available online -
The Playlist]
That about does it for this week's installment. Be sure to tip your newspaper boys, and always bet on bees.
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*Note: The prior article is a work of satire any relation to real events are yada yada yada... Oh and just so nobody gets up in arms, I made up the quotes too.
Any movie news stories particularly interest you? Anything you wish had happened but didn't? Perhaps there's a news story you feel is begging to be made fun of. Comment away!
5 better thoughts:
Wouldn't that be a scary monster for Super 8?
I did see the real picture on Blastr yesterday though. Looks cool!
The Beaver looks so...shameless. The way the trailer's cut...it make me groan, man.
@Alex I think it would be, but I doubt it is the actual monster. I mean, they got it off someone who posted the image on the IMDB forums. Someone with insight would most likely be talking to a news company.
@Simon The Playlist said in their discussion that the film may turn out to be quite a bit darker than the trailer lets on by trying to play up a parallel story for Mel Gibson's overcoming the odds.
Looking forward to The Beaver, it's a really surprising script with a lot of potential for both comedy and darker moments of introspection.
As for the Super 8 monster, it all makes sense now! All those viral websites lead to that discovery.
Ahahaha... good one about the Twilight incident, Univarn. I needed the laugh :D The Beaver would be more intriguing if it is indeed darker than the trailer makes it out to be... as you know, trailers can be sooo misleading!
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