Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Obligatory DVD Release Post 9/14/2010

Things you could spend the week doing that would be more worthy of your time than watching these releases:

1. Feeding chimpanzees popsicles
2. Chasing leprechauns through enchanted forests
3. Invade a foreign country with two twigs and a water gun (note: not recommended for crazy foreign dictators - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!)
4. Raise awareness about the serious problems facing the modern billionaire (bitches ain't cheap yo!)
5. Return to Narnia and fight a Witch, while trying to decipher the moral subtext of kids killing magical creatures.
6. Ride a Hippo into forsaken lands, seeking a magical artifact that will forever change the universe as we know it (i.e. the Balls of Oprah - let's be honest, this blog needs more Oprah jokes).

OK, I know those are weird, but I'd wager reading that is infinitely more amusing than what lay bellow. You've been warned.

New Releases:

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time:
Producer: Man, I can't believe how foreign Jake Gyllenhaal looks with a spray tan! It's almost like he's from.... from..... where again?
Assistant: Persia... And I don't think -
Producer: Right! Perslandia, that's the one! Man, all we need is two other white people with tans, and we're rolling!
Assistant: Wouldn't it just be easier to find people from similar -
Producer: Ben Kingsley, you think he'd look good in a crazy beard!?
Assistant: What does that even have to do -
Producer: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This Spray tan machine is awesome! Do I look Perslandian!?
Assistant: Yes... all my career dreams have now been completed. Excuse me while I go seek out a gun in this wretched set.
Producer: Oooo, cookies. Now, where did my assistant go?

*I would like to note the role of the Producer sounds infinitely more awesome in my head if I imagine it's being portrayed by Jim Broadbent. Just a helpful recommendation.

Just Wright: You lost me at Queen Latifah. At what point will the phrase "straight-shooting" cease to apply as a way of describing someone? By sheer design of guns, all are "straight" shooting (with the exception to old muskets in which the ball would bounce around and go just about anywhere). I believe "well-aimed" would be a more accurate gun to people metaphor. Unless of course by "straight-shooting" you mean, plain, and just the same as everyone else. Then of course, thanks, but if you're going to bore me, you could at least put real guns in and we could test their shooting skills. Then, and only then, would I allow myself to give a crap about this movie. And no, I don't count basketball shooting as a viable substitute.

Letters to Juliet: Dear Juliet,

I'm lonely, sad, and haven't had a reason to show my ab muscles for 2 scenes now. It's difficult here on a movie set, a few streets down from where you are. People just don't understand me. It's like a whole other world. They talk of Basketball, I'm only good at slow motion football. I wish you were hear. I know you'd understand my torment. How can I survive such conditions, while maintaining my amazing dimples?

Yours Truly,

Bob the Builder

How's that for a twist ending? Suck on them apples Tatum!!!! Muhahahahah!

"Other" Goodies:

James and the Giant Peach: I loved this movie as a kid. I'd be curious to see how well it holds as an adult. Though I do admit, the vibe of it has always thrown me for a bit of a loop.

Se7en (Blu-Ray): You know, there's just not much that needs to be said here.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Blu-Ray): Perhaps not the kind of film that'll shine on Blu-Ray, but oh this movie's so awesome it doesn't even matter.

Breathless (Blu-Ray/Criterion): To this day, this ranks among the films that are generally well liked, that I care little for. Beautiful photography aside, this movie has about as much heart as a member of the SS. Not to mention it's over the top self awareness (to the point of being snobbish). Yet, the popularity of it can't be denied. And to those who seek it, well, here it is.

Remember ladies and gents: Chlamydia and DVD Buying are sort of the same. Sure you never thought you'd end up with it, but when you make that bad of a decision, what did you expect would happen?

Good luck everybody!

6 better thoughts:

Castor said...

One of the best week of DVD release of all-time. I can't believe the amount of goodness we are getting this week!

In all seriousness, I think I will give Just Wright a shot, since just about no one has seen it ahah. I might even give Letters to Juliet a shot since I haven't seen any Amanda (I don't remember her last name wtf?) movie since Mean Girls....

SugaryCynic said...

I actually got the blu-ray of Cuckoo's Nest for my dad because it's one of his favorite's and it came with a whole ton of awesome special features and neat little documentaries and junk. God knows what the people behind Prince of Persia were smoking.Got a bit of that magic sand, eh? *wink*

TheAnswerMVP2001 said...

Other Goodies 2 -
Starcrash on DVD and Blu-ray

Simon said...

Do you need a special player for Blue Ray? I've always wondered what the hell it's supposed to do, anyway.

And Blockbusters are closing by the hundreds, so cheap DVDs abound. I've gotten maybe thirty in the last two weeks. Joyous occasion, the fall of American enterprise, tis.

Cassangee said...

Oh my. this post was incredibly funny :)

Univarn said...

@Castor Best of luck. If you don't make it back, can I have your fanbase?

@Sugary Well I've been told that once they finished shooting the desert scenes the entire cast took out straws and began snorting it up. Of course I just made that up, but it would be hilarious to see an entire cast snorting magical sand.

@MVP Never heard of it, but I'll nod along anyways.

@Simon I believe you're supposed to use the Blu-Ray player for sending mixed signals to foreign companies.... I'm a bit confused on that myself.

@Cassangee Thanks, I do try my best.

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