Friday, October 2, 2009

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)



TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL BAY
WRITTEN BY: EHREN KRUGER, ROBERTO ORCI, & ALEX KURTZMAN
OVERALL SCORE: 3.00/10


This is usually where I write a plot synopsis for the film... to be honest I can't. This movie is exactly what you'd expect it to be, minus plot... plus intense fabricated emotion so awful it could force Daniel Day Lewis to retire again. Instead of posting a full review I'm just going to tell you the films plot. *Warning: Spoilers Ahead*

Sam's going to college... he touched a sliver spark thingy that was part of cube thingy they destroyed in the first movie, and now he seems ancient alien symbols (apparently imprinted on his brain via magic). Quick cut to Megan Fox (does her character have a name? I think it was Mikael? Yeah, didn't care) on bike... Megan Fox on slow walk... 3 minutes of abs and ass later poof she flies over to Sam's house (magic bicycle). They say goodbye, Sam stares at

Meanwhile Optimus Prime and a bunch of new Auto Bots who appear out of nowhere for no reason run around in China killing a giant construction machine... which has a wheel... 10 minutes of blowing shit up later, they're in trouble with the bad acting government agent. Lots of yelling later Josh Duhamel decides to stare at a camera in angry+hot man pose, all is ok once again.

Sam goes to college, his mom gets on drugs, and he flips out because of his symbol seeing mental insanity thing (oh Rainn Wilson is in here somewhere). The hot girl at his school decides to nail him but he's freaking out so he calls Megan... abs+ass+ torturing a remote control car she's on her way! Hot girl at school walks in to seduce freak out Sam, Megan Fox (abs+ass) manages to cross the entire nation in about 15minutes to walk in just in time to catch her kissing Sam. She's mad, Sam goes and gets the world's longest tongue kiss.

Yeah... she's a robot (you know like terminator), Megan Fox (abs only) runs her over, Sam says he did nothing wrong (almost as if he read it from a script!), and the two are "mad." They get kidnapped, saved, Optimus Prime gets a knife in the back... he dead. Sam yells, almost gets a tear out, then runs away from the giant robots of DOOOOOOOOM! RAWR!!!! (Hey, I'm trying here).

The Gremlins get this week's Robot Makeover.

The team decide to seek out an online alien expert, Simmons from the original, about 20 minutes of bad acting later, they're on their way to find an SR-71... which is a comatose (hell if I know) robot legend to tell them about the symbols Sam sees. They resurrect him, he teleports them, they perform a few random acts, he says something odd about 3 kings and reading the script to know what to do next? I can't remember. They get in their cars and drive through the midget man check point (confused yet? me too...)

Well at this point they arrive at a Pyramid and get the Matrix (no, not that one)... it's a key that operates a giant laser thing that absorbs the sun and creates energy for the robot people... things. The Fallen is a really old robot who used to control it but his brothers took it from him and sacrificed themselves to hide it (managing though to leave a conveniently sized hole just big enough for people). Sam believes this will resurrect Prime, who is the only one who can kill The Fallen (who is like his great great grandfather?).

Decepticons shows up and a big fight ensues (no? really?)... about 30 minutes of Megan Fox and Sam slow motion running later they run into his parents, who are apparently the worse use of bait ever. They share some fake fear/adrenaline... and then they run into the soldier people. While fleeing a lot of big effects Sam accidentally runs into one and is killed... but not really killed, Hollywood killed. He gets a message from the grave (paging Dr. Harry Potter) and is given full control of the Matrix (sadly he does not sport a trenchcoat and go badass). He comes back to life, resurrects Prime who kills The Fallen in macho man style and saves the day. Narration goes... Sam and Megan (ass+abs+slow motion kissing) credits role.


*Hangs self* It's over... just let it go.... $200million and they couldn't come up with one coherent plot idea?


Pluses: Action, Effects
Minuses: Story, Acting, Directing, Plot, Characters, Emotion, Point.

Most Ironic Part in film: Simmon's saying - "Let's not get episodic here, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!"

Please, we really wish you did.

^About as close to acting as the film gets

There's not achieving potential, there's underachieving, and then there's Transformers... a film that still doesn't get the power of emotional connection to characters. Some films are just better without dialogue.

1 better thoughts:

Zach said...

What a shitty film.
Megan Fox isn't even hot enough to make it tolerable.

- Zach

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