Monday, October 12, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Twilight Sucked

In a recent post on The Dark of the Matinee I got into a bit of a conversation with MadHatter on why modern Vampire films fail to live up to anything of note. Of course the central focus of this has been Twilight, since I'm a fan of True Blood. In response to one of my comments Mad mentioned it deserved a full post, and so I shall oblige.

When I first saw Twilight I thought it was an uninspired, dull, laughably put together adaptation with no merits. Upon a 2nd viewing (don't ask) I found it to be so much more. Not only was it uninspired, dull, and laughably put together but it was dreadfully slow, pathetically written, and with characters so badly acted Keanu Reeves was hearing oscar buzz. Now I know lots of people give me the "I just don't get it" write off, but I'm of the opinion that they don't. I'm a true romantic, and it's my belief that the romance in this film is so awful the idea/dream of it outweighs in the mind of women what is actually shown.

My Proof:

10. Go Go Vampire Super Team! So we've got a jock, a blonde, a psychic brunette, and a man with a constant "man I've got one hell of a dump coming" expression (yeah yeah I know, recently converted, zzzzz). Beyond the fact that they possess no discernible purpose to the film, they look more like the cast of a rejected Breakfast Club spinoff than vampires.

9. Who Needs Acting When You Have Models? Ok let's get this out there. When 75% of your cast stops mid-shot to pose, you have a problem. The emotion in this film felt more like I was watching an Abercrombie and Fitch photoshoot than real human interaction. The only thing worse than their nonverbal emotion was when they talked, each character picking one emotion and sticking with it throughout the film.

8. I'm Watching You Sleep. So apparently when Bella goes to sleep Edward, who obviously doesn't need sleep, watches her. As recently as Jennifer Love Hewitt, I've heard countless women oozing over how "romantic" this is. My ass, you just want Robert Pattinson to do this, stop lying. If you woke up one morning and your boyfriend was across the room staring at you, and said "shhh, I'm watching you sleep" you'd flip out quicker than an addict at a meth lab.

7. Long Blonde Hair + Evil Nostrils = Villain? Sure James wasn't an important aspect of the film, but the second he shows up this movie goes from god awful to oh my god my eyes are burning! Ignoring his acting skills, he's about as scary a villain as mickey mouse. He hops through the forest, then appears in a mirror filled room before getting killed in about 1 minute. What was his purpose? Did they need a villain that badly? You could cut him entirely out of the film and you wouldn't have missed a damn thing.

6. I'm Trying to Set a Mood: Boredom. Wow. Catherine Hardwicke... where did the Thirteen director go? She's sold out quicker than a politician, and has nothing to show for it. There's no pacing in this film at all, instead Hardwicke jumps from chapter to chapter like a kid through a coloring book, just randomly picking a page and going "oh, lets go there!"

5. Oh Baby, You Smell So Good. That's right ladies and gentleman... you thought you needed a catchy pickup line? You thought you needed smooth talk? Nope, all you need to do is go up to a lady and go "you know initially I didn't like you because of your funny smell, but now I've grown to desire it, wanna go out?" Next thing you know, whamo, you got yourself a lover! Hell, wish I had thought about it. Oh and if you don't believe that's his pickup line... go watch the movie again, they mention it way too many times.

4. Failing Chemistry 101.Oh yes, despite all the compulsive Stewart+Pattinson OMG LOVE 4VER! rumors surrounding them, they had about as much chemistry in this film as a wall and the ugliest paint. Sure they technically go together, but only because you put them there, and nobody has any idea why. Oh, and for the record, when you have to whip out the "I want to hear you say it" line that sounds more like a creepy stalker, or an S&M fetishist (paging James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal please report to the Twilight arena), you're most definitely in some trouble.

3. Oh Romeo WhereFor Art Thou... hey who are you?
In the 2 hours this film runs we're supposed to get that these two characters have developed a very deep and emotional connection that will inspire 3 more films? So let's track the romance: first he smells her, funny, and leaves the class room. Next she gets hit on by every guy in school, no luck. Then he saves her from a bunch of tough guys... because he smelt her. So they go on a date, in the woods... where he likes the smell of her. Lastly she goes to his house... where his family likes the smell of her. Lastly they go to a baseball field... where the bad vampires smell her. So she makes a run for it... and he saves her *Awwwwwwwwww. Oh sorry about that, I was daydreaming of someone wanting to smell me :(.

2. Queen Victoria. Some roles are so small the acting in them doesn't really bother you. But I have to make a special note here as both times I've seen this film she really stood out for me. It's no surprise she's being fired in favor of Bryce Dallas Howard, Rachelle Lefevre posted an all time low in the acting department in this adaptation. Every time her mouth opened, she sucked all the life out of the film. Every time her character appeared in front of the camera, my ears ran to the back of my face faster than a Hollywood face lift. It's just mind numbingly awful... I really can't believe they didn't recast her sooner.

1. Mommy Look, That Man Glitters! OK, I'll put up with emotionally conflicted vampires. I'll be fine with vampires that want some love. But for the love of everything holy did they really have to freaking glitter in the daytime!?!? COME ON!!!! Let me break this down for you.

Things that glitter:
- Strippers
- Fairies
- Liberace
- Queen while singing Some Things that Glitter

Things that don't glitter:
- VAMPIRES
- Werewolves
- Ah screw it, do I need to go on?

Really? If a glittering vampire came at me right now I sure as hell will die, but I'd piss myself laughing. I'm all for creative freedom but did you have to take one of the all time myths, legends, scariest soulless creatures and make them SPARKLE!? I don't care what anyone says, there's nothing romantic about this, and Stewart's "I think you're beautiful" comeback sounds more forced than celebrity apologizing for a DUI.

Maybe someone can come here and really explain to me what they see in this film that I didn't. I'm a hopeless romantic, but this movie just left me feeling hopeless. It felt like I was sitting through a Jennifer Aniston marathon, or was being forced to watch paint dry. Ultimately this movie is like a bad date with someone your friend tells you you're going to love. It starts out awkward, gets worse, is never really bad enough to leave, but you know there's not going to be a 2nd. A few weeks later, and a few awful dates later, you begin to convince yourself the date was better than it really was, highlighting that time he almost put his arm on your shoulder, and calling it cute, when in reality he just tripped. Stop fooling yourselves ladies, there's much better options out there, why not go out and try to find one?


*Note: This article pertains solely to the film adaptation of Twilight. It is in no way a commentary/review on the novel, which I have neither read, nor intend to read.


Do you agree/disagree? What did you see that I didn't? Comment away!

7 better thoughts:

Danny King said...

I have to agree. I'm actually a firm believer in Kristen Stewart -- especially after her performance in Adventureland -- but this film had nothing special about it and was dull from start to finish.

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

I don't hate it and I don't love it. Didn't read the books just bits and pieces on the internet before it came out. Hated Stewart and felt kind of sorry of Pattinson. It was bad...not god awful but not good at all.

There was this semicontroversy that Pattinson was casted. Some felt that Tom Sturridge should have gotten the role. From a male perspective he's much less anaemic/anorexic looking and as far as Being Julia he can act.

Oh well...to each his own...let the tweens have their twilight. Just excuse me while I go vomit.

TheAnswerMVP2001 said...

I've never seen Twilight so all I will say is people need to rent the Dark Shadows soap opera series on Netflix, and enjoy the original Vampire drama.

The Mad Hatter said...

11. Ashley Greene's inability to throw... This is a detail that kills me. She went to a lot of work to learn how to wind up like a real pitcher. She swings her arms back and makes a high leg kick gorgeously!! Then she finishes the motion off by...well...throwing like a girl. As a baseball fan, such a detail drove me nuts.

12. Got Blood?... Was it just my imagination, or was this one of the least violent vampire movies EVER???!!! There's a quick shadowed glimpse of blondie's head being yanked off, but beyond that there's barely a nibble. Bram Stoker's probably turning over in his grave!

13. "SAY IT!!!"... I can't recall if the moment where Edward bullies Bella into saying out loud what she knows him to be was in the book...but there is no way in hell it was written as such a melodramatic, screamo, scene chewing moment.

Dear God, I can't believe they'll be making three more of these!

Rae Kasey said...

I went to this movie after my Twihard roommate begged me for days, and I really, really think it's second only to Mamma Mia as far as worst movies of 08.

Rae Kasey said...

Oh and it had to be the most perfect bit of proof that Stephenie Meyer is a dumbass when she said Pattinson's performance was Oscar-worthy. ROFLMAO.

Cassangee said...

that was incredibly funny. You just made my accidental watching of the film worthwhile. thank you.

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