Sex and the City: The Boredom

So, I've decided that I want to go on a rant. Following Twilight I've decided some films have just earned to be chewed out a little bit. To be brought down a level, especially since their awfulness reached epic levels. Today I choose Sex and the City: The Movie as my victim. Before people hit the comment patrol and go on the attack let me preface this post by saying I loved the TV show. I found it edgy, well written, and filled with complex and comical looks at the struggle of modern woman, caught between modern progressive and traditional influences.

So, imagine my surprise when they decided to go with the movie. I wasn't thrilled, but with the same great writing team on board how I could I possibly say no? Well... believe you and me I wish to god I had said no. I'm not going to do a top 10, I'm just going list style... warning I may be here for a while... and away we go:

- Captain, is that feminism I hear?... No, that's just women in uncomfortable shoes.
What happened to the pro-woman aspect of the show? The look at how women deal with life and relationship troubles? In this movie every guy is about 90% ass, and the women run to them like their a crackhead at coke island. Perhaps being a white male in his 20s I'm not of the correct viewpoint to judge this film, but could they have sold out any quicker? Remove the comedy, throw in cliche romantic drama, maybe rehash a few tired plot lines, and whamo we got ourselves a movie!

- Warning: This Samantha in this movie used to contain adult subject matter not suitable for anyone. A few sex scenes, no surprise. A few intimate conversations, no big deal... but my god did they have to kill Samantha? Metaphorically speaking of course. I couldn't help but the entire time sit back and wander, what happened to Samantha and who is that in her skin? Not that she isn't the same she's always been, but rather that her character felt more like a character than ever before. Almost as if Samantha herself read a "how to be more like Samantha" guide for women! The jokes are generic, the desires are dull, and the whole time she rides the "people don't change" pony straight to cliche lane. You know it's bad when you're being cliche playing the character that invented the part.

- Are those people dead?... Nope, sleeping. To call this movie long, would be to call the Titanic a bit damp. Half the people in the audience died of old age while this movie was running... and they were 18 when it started. What felt more like five episodes just crammed together, Sex and the City: The Movie was more boring than listening to a carpenter talk about wall sizes. After this movie was over I felt like watching a 3-month long game of Cricket, or seeing the Yankees/Red Sox are doing in their 4th hour of play. I could go in and cut about 45minutes in the blink of an eye. Which reminds me, who was this films editor? I can't believe this movie has an extended cut! What did they cut? The 12th time Carrie complained about Big? Or perhaps it was the 10th time Samantha stared at the guy next door? It's one thing to rehash old plots, it's another thing to do it in the same movie!

- You know it must be hard to airbrush people on the move. Ah yes, 10 pounds of makeup, a little eyeliner, and maybe a tad bit of airbrushing, I swear they're all natural! The women in this film aren't the same ones on the tv show. They're far more distant, whiney, and unable to deal with men... in fact I have to say it: could they be more pathetic? Much like 2008's He's Just Not That Into You, the women here seem completely unable to detach themselves from their men. Almost as if their entire worth is dependent on whether or not they get the guy in the end... that's not right. They don't need all that makeup, they're beautiful women, smart, completely capable of fulfilling their lives without men in them... yet try as hard as it does Sex and the City only manages to separate one of them, and even then they seem to be setting up a reuniting sequel than a moment of self endearment.

- Sir what's with all these dead animals?... Who cares, she looks fabulous! Alright alright, I get it. Several gripes later, I finally get it! It's not about the romance, it's about the clothes? Oh, that's wrong? Are you sure? Can't be... they change their clothes more often than Lady Gaga at the MTV movie awards. I get the movie is supposed to take place over a long time period. I'm ok with that, but do you have to waste a minute at every clothes change to comment on it? Ohhhh I get it, these characters are supposed to be overly superficial and we're supposed to hate them for being so shallow... No? Then why do they do these things? Oh, because they can't love themselves? No? Because men can't love them!? Really? Bull****, men would love a homeless hooker with rags for clothing if they looked half as good as some of these women.

Alright, I'm going to end my ranting soon or else I'll be here all night. The fact of the matter is, someone needs to stop these kinds of films. They send all the wrong messages, perpetuate every false stereotype, and can't seem to find their moral standing trying to not offend anyone. That's why you have the sexual deviant and the perfect house wife as "best" friends. They're like the guy at the party who wants to be everyone's friend so he just does what everyone likes, trying to be both the intellectual and the crazed drinker. But when you combine the both, strip him down you find there's nothing underneath but a sad individual. Much like this film. It may scream conservative values, girl power, and sexual freedom, but when you strip it down, take away the nice clothes, you'll find there's not much underneath. Just another film after your money, supporting your bad habits, and playing you for a fool.

Please, listen to me ladies. You deserve better than Sex and the City 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold. Why that title? Because the title doesn't matter (and it made me laugh). They could call it Sex and the City 2: Same Shit Different Movie, and flocks of women would run to the theater to check it out. Wake up! They're playing you better than a con man, and you're paying them good money to do it. I know this won't resonate with anyone who really takes the time to read it, they'll write me off faster than you can blink, but deep down I know I'm right... and I'm willing to bet so do they. So, I'll hand back this soap box, this worn down mic, because let's be honest, nobody cares anyways. I'm another ranting blogger, so original right?


The end.