Saturday, March 29, 2014

You Know in a Year I'm Gonna Be Happy

It's a strange feeling coming back to this blog well over a year from my last post. Looking over these pages. These words. All these feelings, emotions, stories of my past. In here I see something of an misguided biography of my heart. Years of my life spilt out to the word in the guise of movie reviews. I can vividly remember each emotion behind each post. The ones I was convinced would be genius. The ones I was convinced would be pointless.

In a way I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge must have felt being guided by the Ghost of Christmas Past through days gone by. And in a way you are my observer. The observer who read these pages, saw these words and glimpsed my life. But you were left without the Christmas Present and Christmas Future. You can only imagine what became of me. What I have become? Perhaps like the possible ending of Scrooge I am in a coffin, alone and without a soul to leave me flowers. Perhaps... but I am not.

I have felt ever since this blog ended its meaning to me all those years ago, that it lacked an end. It lacked closure. I want to do one last post. Even if it those who once browsed the pages of this blog are long gone. I wanted this post to sit right here, right now, and let anyone know who ever comes here and seeks to know what became of me that I am happy. I am whole.

In many ways I am whole in a way I have never been before. When I wrote this blog the number one overarching feeling I felt was loneliness. It was my way of reaching out to the world in a way my fear of social encounters would never properly allow. I had never been in a relationship. Never experienced the warmth of love given by finding someone who chooses and accepts all that you are.

No more. At this very moment my fiance is out with her friends shopping for a wedding dress. A fiance! Me? Who would of thought. Not I. Not all those years ago when I first started this blog.

A Life in Equinox. Equinox, a moment when the world is split in perfect balance between light and dark. I didn't know what I meant when I came up with that name for this blog. It just felt right. Now I do. Back then I viewed my life so much through the prism of the dark. The light in my life was grayed by my pessimism. This blog existed to help alleviate that angst. To escape for a moment into the magical world of film and see the wonder I had turned my eyes against.

Now I stand upon the meridian of life upon the Equinox. On one side there exists the dark, and on the other there is the light. I can see both for what they are. I can appreciate one because I have the other. And for the first time in a long time my eyes are staring directly into the light. Into the future. A future full of hope and beauty. Of love and family.

Maybe one day I'll start another blog. In fact, I am pretty confident I will. But this blog has come to its end. For all those who supported me and my writings during this time, I want to say that I love you. For all that you meant to me. For all that you still mean to me. Your kind words and encouragement meant the world to me. And I can never thank you enough for all that you did for me.

However, as is life, one door closes, and another opens. And until the time that I open the door that leads me back to you, I leave you with this:

"...all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—‘Wait and hope.'"

5 better thoughts:

Andrew K. said...

Congratulations, Ryan! I was wondering where you went off to.

Your unique blogging perspective has been missed, and I hope you return one day.

Mette said...

Very beautiful end to this blog I used to follow back in the day. I didn't know film blogging had such a dark meaning to you but I'm glad you've found happiness!

Tom said...

Congratulations and best of luck to you.

Carlos M. Reis said...

See you someday again, we hope. Cheers.

Brittani Burnham said...

Contgratulations! (I'm a little late, obviously, but something made me click today.) When/if you do start another blog, I look forward to reading it.

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