Cannes Jury: Almodóvar, Chastain, Fan Bingbing, and more... - The complete jury for the 70th annual Cannes Film Festival has been announced. As previously noted, Pedro Almodóvar will preside over the jury. To celebr...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
1. A love for all things that go VROOM
2. Will go to any lengths in order to secure intercourse
3. Are incapable of acting with any degree of intelligence unless they're chugging down pints of alcohol.
Though of course my favorite commercials are the ones that try to sell the notion of "real men." You know, "Real Men Buy Trucks!" As opposed to Imaginary Men who have no need of trucks and can simply whistle and call upon their imaginary flying carpet through which they travel the netherverse in search of the gateway to Narnia before magically teleporting back to Earth and petting a cute puppy. Uck. I mean really. Who wants to be that guy? No, I prefer to have a pickup truck. Though of course not just any pickup truck. I want one with a large number following the letter V (which I assume stands for Vagabond) being towed by lots of horses and stopping on a dime. Mostly because in my career as a professional dime cruncher having a truck that can do most of the work for me is a real added bonus. And you can never have enough horses around to tow your truck (these things break down a lot so you've got to be prepared).
Of course it helps if the announcer telling me all of this has a gruff and growling voice. The kind of voice Clint Eastwood listened to as a child while being rocked to sleep (though I'm sure his cradle was lined with spikes and packed a fair amount of chewing tobacco for added snarl power). Though I don't always want the same thing in my trucks that I want in my alcoholic beverages.
Which brings me to perhaps my favorite part of the male marketing machine - the carnivore. That's right men like meat. We like big, thick, juicy whoppers of meat. The kind of meat you could wrap your mouth around and swoon over for ages. That's right, I'm talking about beef. Not just any beef, Angus beef. Quick poll guys, which is your favorite Red Angus or Black Angus? Hell, I don't know about you but I can name all of the 10 components that factor in certifying meat as Angus beef by heart. That's how much I love my beef. Unlike all these fake men out there who go to restaurants and dare order a chicken salad. You're weighing the whole species down man.
Besides, how can we ever distinguish ourselves from one another unless we all force the exact same actions upon one another? It's the only way we can ever fully come together as a species... and watch football. Because without beer, beef, and oversized trucks football just isn't the same. Now if only I could convince everyone that watching sports is so much better with an accordion playing in the background.