Thursday, August 4, 2011

Ready to Risk it All: Two Years and 1000 Posts Later

2 year and 1000 posts, which I’m sure statistically means I’ve said at least 25 intelligent remarks, at least 3 or 4 useful ones, and a good 9,249,134 things of questionable sanity (it’s math, don’t argue with the numbers). But the one real consistency throughout them all: I’ve spent a lot of time grumping about what other people like – and how their liking it is fine but still annoys me. So I thought it fitting for my 1000th post to put all my trash out there, risk the loss of my handful of loyal readers, and deliver the craptastic in full. All, to give you the five worst movies I ever really enjoyed. And when I say enjoyed, I mean proper enjoyed. None of this ‘eh, I kind of liked it once’ crap. I watched these movies more than anyone ever ought to, and for someone as finicky of a viewer as me that’s saying something (that for all intensive purposes I had no taste until I was about 18).

Dungeons & Dragons

In all honesty, there’s no excuse. I was simultaneously going through a Wayans Bros. phase (post Scary Movie, pre Scary Movie 2) and a Fantasy phase at the same time (LOTR and Harry Potter brought out the fantasy fanatic in me hardcore), and it had Jeremy Irons who I thought was kind of cool, and then there was the table game which all my friends were into… I’m sorry.


Armageddon

This movie is really the undisputed King of craptastic cinema. It’s got more plot holes than an Uwe Boll fantasy epic and more anachronisms than a Sophia Coppola history piece. Not to mention overacting on a level that makes Soap Opera stars go “damn.” Then there’s the story, so ludicrous Klingdons left the world of Star Trek, traveled through a wormhole into the real dimension, all just in an effort to protest the film. Hell yeah, this movie is awesome!


Small Soldiers

In the most basic context, this movie exists for 11 year olds who like to believe they’re ‘too old’ for Toy Story, but not old enough to deal with proper violence yet. Admittedly, the presence of the late, great Phil Hartman goes a long ways in keeping this movie fond in my memories. That and a young Kristen Dunst was a sight for sore eyes for a coming of age pre-teen male.


Batman Forever

Look, when I was a kid Batman and Batman Returns scared the living hell out of me. So what was a child in desperate need of a superhero to do? Sit around and just wait for screenplay writers to come up with a more friendly kid version? Nope, you latch on to the closest thing around... it's not my fault this cheese mania of a journey was all Hollywood had to offer! Alright, so I did go full green and golden cane one year and dress up as The Riddler for Halloween - admittedly a pudgy Riddler - but I did win a Halloween dress up competition at school, so that has to count for something, right?


Surf Ninjas

If you don’t understand then you obviously didn’t grow up in the early ‘90s. If you grew up in the early ‘90s and still don’t understand, then you obviously lived a very deprived childhood. Between this and the Three Ninjas series, my childhood was racked with over the top faux Asian influence of increasing awfulness… which may go to explaining more about my taste these days then I’m ever likely to fully realize.



So there you have it, some of the worst movies I ever dug (and I might argue a couple I still do - just sayin'). Hope you've enjoyed these 2 years here, as I know I have, and I'm quite looking forward to 2 more (though I'm not sure if I have another 1000 posts in me!).

15 better thoughts:

Film Intel said...

Here's to many more years of A Life In Equinox. Congratulations on the milestone! Also: I have never even heard of SURF NINJAS.

Liam Underwood said...

Congrats!

Not gonna lie, I wholeheartedly agree with Armageddon, Small Soldiers and Batman Forever. Must be a generation thing...

Nikhat said...

Congrats! God 1000 posts...
I love Small Soldiers and Batman Forever still. Especially Sall Soldiers...I had a huge thing for Gregory Smith for a long time.

Brittani Burnham said...

Congrats on 1000 posts! "It’s got more plot holes than an Uwe Boll fantasy epic and more anachronisms than a Sophia Coppola history piece." is the funniest thing I've read all morning. Thanks for that.

Red said...

Congrats on 1000 posts, good sir.

Have to agree with you on the middle three. They were just too fun during my childhood that it's almost impossible to hate.

Univarn said...

@FilmIntel Thank you. Surf Ninjas is one of those movies I think can only be loved when you're about 5 or 6 (*cough*)

@Liam Thank you. I think it is on some level. They were all there right around my 10/11 year old self who went gaga for anything that went boom in any way, shape, or form.

@Nikhat "had?" I see through your ellipsis!

@Brittani You're welcome for that.

@Red Thank you, and that does seem to be the early consensus.

Alan said...

Congrats. I'm actually about 100 days from my 1000th review, so I totally appreciate that achievement. If it makes you feel better, I liked Dungeons and Dragons and Batman Forever sufficiently to buy them on DVD when they were released. These days, I don't watch either, but still...

I also still say Armageddon was the most expensive Aerosmith music video ever made :)

Rich said...

'Small Soldiers' is a really good movie. Don't lump it with all these others!

Castor said...

Congrats on 1000 posts Uni. Incredible accomplishment for a blogger writing by himself! Nothing like loving some movies as a kid only to find out later they were actually atrocious :)

The Mad Hatter said...

I swear I can't believe your space is only turning two...you're way ahead of where I was at such time. can't wait to see how badly you're schooling me in another two!

Congrats on everything good sir, your fine work here never fails to bring a smile to my day.

Here's to the next eight out of eight!

Stevee Taylor said...

Congrats, Uni! Such a huge milestone...well done.

When I was a kid my favourite movie ever was Racing Stripes...now I can't even bear the sight of it!

Univarn said...

@Alan Finally some equal love on Dungeons and Dragons, now all I need is a fellow Surf Ninja child and my list will be fully vindicated!

@Rich Still surprised it didn't rake in a good 3 or 4 Oscar nominations :P

@Castor True that.

@Mad Thank you good sir. I may be watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes this weekend (if things go well), I smell a 8.25 coming!

@Stevee Oof, Luckily by then I was 18 and had entered into the world of Kurosawa and Leone from which there was no going back.

Dan Heaton said...

I also really enjoyed Batman Forever when it came out, though I think it was because i was a teenager. Now, it doesn't hold up so well for sure.

Dylan said...

Congrats, of course, and I agree with Hat that it seems longer. I'll leave it to you to figure out if that's a good thing or not.

And put me with Rich as someone who thinks Small Soldiers is a legit decent-if-not-good flick. It certainly doesn't belong in the same category as Surf Ninjas and Armageddon...

Univarn said...

@Dan It's amazing what you can go back and look at during your teenage years and go "I liked whaaaat?"

@Dylan Ah, nothing quite like a Fletch-comment-a-thon to wile away the hours. For argument's sake I'm going to assume it's a good thing. Though it's becoming a bit too common for me. "You're only how old? Sheesh, I thought you were older." "You've only had how many drinks? Sheesh, I thought you were drunker."

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