Friday, June 17, 2011
Green Lantern: Green Lantern light!... light green lantern? please? shit... alright, there's only one method left to us. All humanity rides on it, so everybody join hands. Quick, get together. On three. One... Two... Three....... CLAP ON! CLAP OFF! Clap on, clap off. Green Lantern! Oh god, it didn't work. Fairwell sweet humanity. The Green Lantern, not likely to be watched at a theater near you, today!
Mr. Popper's Penguins: In all honesty Jim, this is pushing your luck. First you go after Ewan McGregor, and now all you've been left with is nonstop Penguins? I'm a bit offended, and I'm a tough one to offend. But it's your career, so do with it as you will. Just recognize, you best back off Carla Gugino, I done called that already! Some lines you just don't cross. But I'm a fair man, you can keep Phillip Baker Hall, and as lovely as he is, I consider that an even deal.
The Art of Getting By: Hey, it's Freddie Highmore... and that chick who is related to Julia Roberts, but is not actually Julia Roberts! Oh Freddie, I remember the good ol' days. You were making movies people wanted to see, didn't look like you had been kidnapped by a clan of rejected Beiber stylists, nor giving off the frail sense of Josh Peck dirty seconds. Oh Rita Wilson and Alicia Silverstone sightings, this one must surely be a winner. On the plus side, Jarlath Conroy is a shoe in for the annual Thomas Chong look alike competition. Yay!
Buck: My name is Buck and I'm here to... wait a second, you mean this is an entirely unrelated film? Well, there goes my interest level.
Jig: The 40th... Irish.... Dancing... World... Champions... I think I'm going to cry.
Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times: Shit man, you did some serious time up in that joint! All those people out in Iraq, Libya, Syria, and Afghanistan are really saying their prayers tonight, begging they don't get sent to such a sadistic institution like the New York Times... them with their 'liberal' bias and... and... and... Frappuccinos! I'm surprised you made out of there alive. To be honest, this documentary couldn't look less interesting if they put Bob Dole up there for two hours to give a speech on lightbulbs.
Well ladies and gents, I'm sorry to report that's all I've got for you. On the plus side, plenty of opportunity for you to get off your rear end and check out Super 8 or X-Men: First Class.