Friday, June 17, 2011

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/17/2011


Wide Releases:

Green Lantern: Green Lantern light!... light green lantern? please? shit... alright, there's only one method left to us. All humanity rides on it, so everybody join hands. Quick, get together. On three. One... Two... Three....... CLAP ON! CLAP OFF! Clap on, clap off. Green Lantern! Oh god, it didn't work. Fairwell sweet humanity. The Green Lantern, not likely to be watched at a theater near you, today!

Mr. Popper's Penguins: In all honesty Jim, this is pushing your luck. First you go after Ewan McGregor, and now all you've been left with is nonstop Penguins? I'm a bit offended, and I'm a tough one to offend. But it's your career, so do with it as you will. Just recognize, you best back off Carla Gugino, I done called that already! Some lines you just don't cross. But I'm a fair man, you can keep Phillip Baker Hall, and as lovely as he is, I consider that an even deal.

The Art of Getting By: Hey, it's Freddie Highmore... and that chick who is related to Julia Roberts, but is not actually Julia Roberts! Oh Freddie, I remember the good ol' days. You were making movies people wanted to see, didn't look like you had been kidnapped by a clan of rejected Beiber stylists, nor giving off the frail sense of Josh Peck dirty seconds. Oh Rita Wilson and Alicia Silverstone sightings, this one must surely be a winner. On the plus side, Jarlath Conroy is a shoe in for the annual Thomas Chong look alike competition. Yay!

Limited Releases:

Buck: My name is Buck and I'm here to... wait a second, you mean this is an entirely unrelated film? Well, there goes my interest level.

Jig: The 40th... Irish.... Dancing... World... Champions... I think I'm going to cry.

Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times: Shit man, you did some serious time up in that joint! All those people out in Iraq, Libya, Syria, and Afghanistan are really saying their prayers tonight, begging they don't get sent to such a sadistic institution like the New York Times... them with their 'liberal' bias and... and... and... Frappuccinos! I'm surprised you made out of there alive. To be honest, this documentary couldn't look less interesting if they put Bob Dole up there for two hours to give a speech on lightbulbs.


Well ladies and gents, I'm sorry to report that's all I've got for you. On the plus side, plenty of opportunity for you to get off your rear end and check out Super 8 or X-Men: First Class.

5 better thoughts:

Lime(tte) said...

Hahaha, I had to watch the Green Lantern trailer three times, in cinema, and I think it's the perfect comedy... Though, I don't think it's meant to be one.

Castor said...

I will take a much deserved rest this weekend. No interest in any of these new releases.

Duke said...

You really don't feel "Page One" looks interesting?

I'm looking forward to it - screening over the internet next week - with a Q & A with director.

Everything else, is as always funny

Simon said...

You know, I tried to give a shit about the Green Lantern, but upon further inspection of my bank account, I found that I had used them all up on X-Men: First Class. Yes, I have completely run out of shits to give. One might say I am shit-bankrupt. But I guess we all can't be as fortunate as the studio executives of the world, who have so much shit to give the poor old public like myself. Those generous old coots, why, one day I'll write them a letter asking ever so nicely to donate to the I-Totally-Give-A-Shit-Fund, and you know what? They will, because they have so shit coming out of their asses, and that's JUST THE KIND OF GUYS THEY ARE.

John Stewart is the Green Lantern. There is no other.

Univarn said...

@Lime I still weep everytime I see a photo of Peter Saarsgard in that movie.

@Castor Enjoy yourself.

@Duke *Shrug* It may prove to be perfectly interesting, but it doesn't sound all that appealing to me. Enjoy the screening!

@Simon I'll co-sign if you feel the need to boost your numbers with extra signatures. Though be warned, I have a bad habit of signing my name in a flamboyantly large cursive font in the hopes of usurping John Hancock as the socially accepted name for requesting the signature of a document.

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