Personal Ballots: Best Actor and Best Actress - And so it's come to this, the finale of the traditional Oscar-like categories in our own annual Film Bitch Awards. All the nominations have been announce...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thor: I'm feeling very self-conscious at the moment. All these superhero movies of late keep reminding me of the fact that my hair lacks a decisive amount of buoyancy. Sure, I've got a few curls at the top, but their receding, and odds are I'll be staring as Clint Howard in an upcoming biopic. Not to mention the fact that apparently having superpowers isn't enough for them, they also have to be in mint physical condition - even if they have a massive drinking problem (yes, I'm looking at you Stark! No beer belly? Really? Come on now...). So please forgive me if I seem a bit trite in my judgmental ways, it is just jealousy after all. Them, jealous of my obvious superiority intellectually that the only way they can compensate is through physical methods. Ha, I laugh at their feeble efforts. Now, off to the bat cave! Well, I say bat cave... I mean mother's basement. Stereotype fail :(
Jumping the Broom: Look it's beautiful people from different sectors of society, *gasp* having to come together! The outrage! How dare these filmmakers put rich and poor people on the same screen, have they no decency? Next thing you know they'll be making movies about white people and black people, talking to one another! Good god men, this is a most troubling time for us... the last of an ancient tribe. Idiots. *end of sarcasm* Oh, yeah, the film. Paula Patton = yay. The rest = ok then. The plot = you smell a bit familiar. Off we go!
Something Borrowed: Your plot? Your characters? Your style? Heck, even your poster looks like the poster for every romantic comedy released in the last few years. Oh, and your tagline: "It's a thin line between love and friendship" might just win the 'most potential for excessive use as a euphemism' of the year award - so at least when you bomb against two movies that, most likely, will absorb most of your fanbase, I'll say best of luck to you. If you bank over $30m then people are just desperate.
The Beaver: YES! IT HAS COMETH! Now, off to begin picketing my local indie theater until it picks it up. Seriously, there will be hell to pay if I have to wait too long.
Last Night: You had me at Eva Mendes. You lost me at Sam Worthington. You got me back with Keira Knightley. You... Guillaume Canet? *shrug* (I kid, I kid). Besides, you know how I know this movie is a must watch? Its credits boast the single most powerful actor ever to grace the cinematic screens. Griffin Dunne!!!!
Hobo With a Shotgun: Unless the next words are 'danced the Macarena,' I'm not buying it. Sure, this might be a great exemplification of mindless entertainment, but I require all homeless people in movies to dance the macarena a minimum of two times before I'm willing to accept the film as plausible. You can debate amongst yourselves the severe childhood trauma that I must have endured to gain that particular mindset.
The Be Dragons: I post this because I really wanted this to be good. The 18% on rotten tomatoes informs me that hope was woefully unfulfilled. On the plus side, it's nice to know Wes Bentley is still trying to relive the magic he never experienced ten years ago when everyone was going all out... to not see Four Feathers.
Well ladies and gents, that's all I have for you this week. Be sure to tip your waiters. Don't go overboard on the liquor. And always, always, slap your knees twice before betting on chicken racing.
Have a good one!