Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Obligatory DVD Release Post 1/4/2010

Be sure to come back later today for another well intentioned, but likely nonsensical, Univarn rant!


Machete: It is commonly believed that the character Machete gained his nickname due to his natural affinity towards the weapon widely associated with him (pictured above). However, this is a fallacy. In actuality, the nickname Machete was derived from a horrible hunting accident from the main character's childhood involving a chicken pizza, two Hawaiian dancers, and a dwarf named Elvira (no relation to the queen of the night). Specific details are a bit hazy, but I can tell you that some point a matchstick box was accidentally superimposed onto a live hyena.

My Machete Review

Dinner for Schmucks: I would like to officially charge this film with being derelict in its duty to entertain. I further move to motion that those involved be abdicated from further cinematic woes until such time as we can determine exactly why they were allowed to create such a film. Recent inquires have lead us to believe that director Jay Roach woefully partook in a mysterious hokey game in Alaska over 11 years ago. He went on to aid in the grave mishandling of a cat which spawned a wretched series drawing potential audience members in through the use of celebrity names and a lack of substantial competition. Ties to British secret intelligence has been brought to our attention, but I can say nothing further at this time.

Howl: Also known as -- "That other James Franco movie of 2010. No not the one with Mila Kunis, the other one."

Catfish: Interesting fact -- a catfish has taste buds lining all along its scales, effectively making it a giant swimming tongue. So the next time you pick one up because you think it's cute, remember all it's thinking is "mmmmmm, yummy."

OTHER RELEASES: Case 39 (the degenerate cousin to Case 69), Yellow Handkerchief (was blue when I bought it!), Visa Dream (to dream the impossible dream?)


Coraline (Blu-Ray 3D): Well, now that you've cranked out the hundred among hundreds for your lovely 3D television, change over your cable/satellite to get those five 3D channels, and have purchased your blu-ray player with 3D capabilities - you can ENJOY one of 2009's best, Coraline, for the low, low price of $35. Or, if you'd like to donate a Kidney, we can give it all to you in a simple combo pack.

Blade Runner (The Final Cut Blu-Ray): Last time I heard the words 'final cut' I woke up three days later in Tijuana, bald and attached to a mysterious package. No, that's not a film reference, some weird things just happen to me. Luckily it turned out the mysterious package was a DVD copy of Blade Runner - oh, life's little ironies.

Doctor Zhivago: I love me some David Lean, but I simply don't have the time in the day to watch all of his epics! If only there was some time-space loopholes through which I can traverse and suspend time long enough to enjoy all the movies I want to see. Of course I wouldn't abuse it - strictly for epics only!

Well, ladies and gents, there's some other DVDs being released (per usual), but nothing I feel inclined to mention. I would say that, irregardless of societal demand, you should look into the 'apparent' Jack Lemmon collection being released (which seems to me to be a roundup of some of his lesser known films).


7 better thoughts:

Ryan McNeil said...

Looking forward to finally getting to see HOWL, so that would be my go-to this week...and for anyone that hasn't seen it already I'd suggest to forget about the hype and give CATFISH a look.

A decent Tuesday for sure.....bring on the rant!

SugaryCynic said...

Mildly unrelated but Danny Trejo's character's name in Spy Kids was also Machete and it's kind of fun to go back and watch Spy Kids and pretend it's the same Machete from this movie. But then, I'm amused by weird things.

Meanwhile, Blade Runner!!

Castor said...

I might give Machete a shot down the road but this week's DVD release certainly isn't very exciting for me.

Univarn said...

@Mad I might be able to sneak in Howl but the mixed feedback leaves me a bit wary of it - mainly amidst all the other films I wish to see this year.

@Sugary Interesting... oddly enough I preferred him in Spy Kids :\

@Castor Don't run out for it - the movie gets really caught up in its political message and removes lots of the jokes as consequence. The political message isn't bad, just not the best medium for it.

Dempsey Sanders said...

Though mixed feedback about Howl, its one I wouldnt mind seeing this week. Thanks for the post

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

A swimming tongue... best animal description ever!

Lesya said...

MACHETE! I don't care what others say, I love this bllody movie!
And HOWL, I can't wait to see it. But it may be to smart for me, haha.

Related Posts with Thumbnails