Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 11/5/2010

For those of you familiar with the format of these posts you're most likely expecting some random, nonsensical, statement here from the ever lovely Univarn. I would just like to point out that I am not your slave monkey dancing around for your every whim! I am real person. I have feelings you know!

So from now on I'd like a bit of respect around here. Now someone come help me take off this leather bustier and tassels, I've got things to do.

Wide Releases:

Due Date: Hi, I'm looking for a movie about a couple of guys forced to travel across the country together. You know, I'm thinking something along the lines of Square meets Absurd. Would be even better if both were some of the best working comedy-actors of their day. Oh, and if you can throw in some random acts of carnage constantly happening due to one's incompetence that would be fantastic. You already have one of those? Great. And it's on DVD!? Wow. Plains, Trains, and Automobiles? Sounds like fun! John Candy and Steve Martin? SCORE! Wait, there's what? Zach Gunkolifungus? No.... no thanks, I think I'll pass.

I know it's unfair to keep making the analogies, every one in their mother has, but at some point Hollywood really needs to just come out and call a remake (or 're-imagining' or 'homage') what it really is.

For the Colored Girls: I believe I speak for everyone when I say this movie has absolutely mad history. The first Tyler Perry movie to not only fail to mention him every 1.46seconds in commercials, but at the same time, in an effort to create Oscar buzz, just about remove itself entirely from Oscar contention. Scoring in the 30 percentile range on RT, mediocre feedback, the only real chance this has of scoring any nominations is the fact that, as of right now, the Oscar pool is looking very pale (and I'm not referring to an illness). I did have some high hopes for this one, but it looks like obscurity is the only destination this film is bound for.

Megamind: Meet Megabigtoe and Megalowerintestine. To be honest the former two aren't very well respected among the 'mega' fraternity, but by sheer nomenclature they had to be allowed it. I personally believe this to be a bit of a slight on us Megas. Really? Whatever happened to Megagut? At least he actually had a brain (this joke works much better if you know that it is assumed on some level the gut has its own brain in order to act in the manner it does). Megaeye wasn't the scariest but the eye was HUGE! Could see for miles! Not to mention the whole laser he attached to his retina was brilliant. These days, Megas are just osbcure objects floating around with varying skills. That's why we need you Megamind. You must travel to he ends of the earth to rebuild our good, arguably evil, name!


Limited Releases:

127 Hours: One man, one boulder, 5 days. CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT!!!!!! The romantic journey of a lifetime! Their love affair was never meant to last. But they defied the odds. Can love overcome all odds? Or will societal convention, and possible dismemberment get in the way? 127 Hours hitting theaters near you.... somewhere between this weekend and the next couple months.

Fair Game: Bingo? Blackjack? Gin Rummy? What kind of Fair Game are walking about here? I need to know! How am I supposed to prepare? I need to know the rules, what to bring, what to wear! There's so many decisions to be made. This pressure is way too much, I'm out! I quit!!

Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer: At first I thought this would be a captivating tale of the first ever reverse bungee fly in the history of the world. When I saw the name - Eliot Spitzer - I then thought to myself, perhaps the first ever film about someone being dragged up by a chain and then tossed off it. Though that one seemed a bit harsh. So what I've ultimately settled on is that Client 9 is about an evil Zebra overlord who has brainwashed Eliot Spitzer into thinking his name is Igor Fluffypinotrum. A sad case, but one that I believe we all learned a valuable lesson from (never trust Zebras that fly spaceships).

Four Lions: Three Tigers. Two Bears. And an old lady screaming 'OH MY GOD RUN!!!!!!!' Doesn't quite carry the same musical brilliance as the Twelve Days of Christmas, but you work with what you got. I can only hope that in some small way my commentary here will deeply move you. Since that's not very likely I'll settle for an indifferent shrug.

Red Hill: This film has a quite unfortunate backstory. You see Red Hill, as we all know, is situated right next to Green Hill. So as you can imagine both of the hills are featured together in a lot of the wide angle shots. Which was a nightmare at test screenings. Red-Green color blind audience members felt insulted, alienated, cozened. Personally I believe that's what lead to this films limited buzz. A shame really, if only they had filmed at hills Black and White, then none of this would have happened... wait a second.


That's all I got for you ladies and gents, enjoy your weekend viewing. I'll catch you on the flip side. Or as close to the flip side as I can get. Well, let's just get together on the edge of the coin and figure it out from there.