Eggsy Returns In The First Trailer For ‘Kingsman: The Golden Circle’ - [image: Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) Taron Egerton][image: Eggsy Returns In The First Trailer For ‘Kingsman: The Golden Circle’] No one could’ve gues...
Friday, October 8, 2010
I believe I've analyzed the exact reason for my social problems. You see I don't drink (alcohol, tea, or coffee), smoke, dance, or listen to mainstream (especially not club centric) music. My preference for reading and watching movies, while can be done with others, is generally a personal thing, only discussed afterwords. So, I've decided there needs to be a new social establishment created: The Curmudgium! An establishment where people who don't care for partaking in social conventions can gather and do whatever the hell they please.
Secretariat: While this would normally be the ideal time to make a great joke about the eerily similarity between the title Secretary (allowing for a few great Maggie Gyllenhaal references) and Secretariat, I doubt any of them would resonate. So I've decided for a new tactic: mocking Disney for being redundant beyond bounds. Now I know the stories are completely different, but come on! Could the marketing team TRY to not make them look to be the exact same? They basically just cut and paste and changed the angle.
This does drive me to want to know: Is there some unspoken rule in poster design in which you're not allowed to show an entire horse? Will someone look at the film and go: "Wow, that seems interesting, nice name, good logo, I happen to be free the day, HOLY *#!* THEY DID NOT JUST SHOW AN ENTIRE HORSE!? WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?! Man, I swear, the world's really going down hill these days." Flicka and The Horse Whisperer are the closest ones I've seen, but they do their best to keep the hooves out of view...
Life as We Know It: When I first saw the poster for this film I think I threw up a little bit. Now that I've seen the trailer you all can be rest assured that I've lost that regurgitate desire, and have settled magnificently on indifference. To me this basically looks like someone has taken all of Katherine Heigl's recent films (beginning with Knocked Up) thrown them into a blender and said "what the hell, let's give it a whirl." If nothing else women can fawn over Josh Duhamel while he appears without shirt as often, and random, as possible. To be fair, if I had a body like that I'd probably just walk everywhere without a shirt, if only to piss off other people. Granted, if I was to do that now people might be measuring me up for a bra. So it's best that I don't.
My Soul to Take: If I was going to do a top 5 signs your movie is crap list, I have to be honest, the "staging a fake stabbing at your own premier" wouldn't have even occurred to me. Though I have say that would be Numero Uno. Feeling the need to stage a publicity event at your own publicity event can only be a sign of sheer desperation. To the point that I just have to say, sorry Wes Craven, but I'm boycotting your film on basic humanistic principle. Real stabbings are bad enough, but fake stabbings, oh they're just so much fun. It's like being really stabbed without all the pain, suffering, and emotional loss that goes with it! No, no, no, there's a line, and you're 15 feet too far on the wrong side.
It's Kind of a Funny Story: Technically this movie is a Semi-Wide release at 700 theaters. Technically the movie looks incredibly mediocre, but possibly deeper than it seems. The trailer was fine. Zach Galifianakis is continuing his efforts to surpass Christopher Walken for most insane number of appearances in films within a one year span. Though we all know, nobody passes the CW! NOBODY! And by CW I obviously don't mean the TV channel in which, as far as ratings are concerned, everybody passes. It's no wonder ZG, Will Ferrell, and Steve Carrell have all done movies together, it was a mathematical given. If there's one thing Hollywood loves it's forcing the same comedians on us repeatedly over short time spans, hoping repetition = long term profits. Of course they do that because they're stupid.
I Spit on Your Grave: Well, isn't that just a pleasant title. Sounds like one right out of the Daniel Day Lewis handbook for Plainview comebacks. Forgive me if I don't rush out the door right away to see a horror film about grave spitting. Just not a pastime I particularly indulge in. Then again, we all know I'm a curmudgeon, so what's the point in arguing?
It's a Wonderful Afterlife: Serial Murdering Indian Mom's? Who ordered their ridiculously over the top plots well done? I keep telling people to get medium. That way it can be comical and satirical at the same time. At well done, sheesh nobody will want to acknowledge they know you. Besides, everyone knows Kathleen Turner is the real serial mom!
Nowhere Boy: So, Nowhere Boy = Nowhere film? 4 theaters, that's it? You'd think a Beatles film, no matter how fabricated, would attract a few more theaters than that... Then again, everyone keeps telling me I should watch A Hard Day's Night, but it's been my experience 99% of the time musicians are better heard singing, than acting. Let alone a film centered entirely around them.
Tamara Drewe: Is it wrong that no matter how bad this film looks I have to watch because of some odd love for British women, or more specifically Gemma Arterton (you have no idea how hard it was for me to hold back throwing Dominic Cooper there as a joke!). Alas, we must all succumb, every once in a while, to our lesser desires. I just hope this film comes to NC before I'm 40....
Stone: Edward Norton in Dreadlocks!!!!!! That's all I have to say. I don't think anymore needs be said. Universal issues mean little by comparison to this historic event.
Inside Job: This documentary looks quite enthralling, so I'll have to keep it in mind for my DVD queue. I just can't see myself going to the theater to watch a documentary. It's really not my style.
OK so there may be more coming out, but I'm tired of writing. In dire need of a break, and I shall have mine (in this life or the next, of enough!). Have a good day everybody!