Friday, April 2, 2010

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post #24

Once upon a time there was a weekend. And on that weekend movies opened. People went to the movies, and paid lots of money to wear special glasses. These glasses were said to make the movie, come to life like never before. These glasses made everything seem 3D! It was a world like never seen before. Beautiful and amazing.

Then people walked outside, took these glasses off, and came to a shocking realization. They had been robbed! The entire world was 3D, and all they had to do was walk outside!!!

And they all lived stupidly ever after.

The end.

Wide Releases:

Clash of the Titans: Some people launch a thousand ships. Some begin massive wars. And some create taglines meant to strike at the soul of anyone with dyslexia. Why are people shocked the 3D conversion on this movie is, reportedly, bad? They couldn't even think up a tagline, how are they supposed to handle something so intricate!? Very minimalistic odds of me watching this with any real interest.

The Last Song: Better name: The Last Movie. And make it the last one Miley Cyrus ever acts in. Heck, I'd settle for the last Nicholas Sparks film, but I don't think I'd get that. I don't think anyone needed to see his name, to know it was another one of his books being adapted. All the commercials for them are the exact same! I've yet to read one of his books, but the movies don't inspire me to want to either. How much forced sappiness can someone shove into a story? If I wanted to cry I'd follow the stock market.

Why Did I Get Married Too?: Because Tyler Perry knew he could squeeze a good $20 million out of it. I don't even remember the first one, now there's a sequel. Nobody spits out repetitive humor like Perry, the guy's a king at telling the same joke 50 times. Can we please get a better writer/director in his "genre." To be honest I'm not sure what that genre is. Stereotype Exploitation?

Limited Release:

Warlords: This is just now coming out? I saw this like 3 years ago!? Man these US releases of Asian films are slow. It's not a bad movie. Nothing worth running to the theater over. If you're into Asian cinema at all, I recommend a rental (which you can probably already do).

Don McKay: Thomas Haden Church. Haven't heard that name in a while. He sort of disappeared after Sideways and Spiderman 3. Then again, who would blame him? I suppose he needed a break, but for such a talented, and likable, actor, I'm not sure this is the comeback film he needs. Sounds like a rehash of a million different plots I've heard before.

So, that's your movie options for the weekend. Sound's like an exciting bunch doesn't it? To be honest. I'm thinking of watching something I haven't seen, or just staying home. 3 Day weekend! :)

5 better thoughts:

Mike Lippert said...

I couldn't agree with you more about Perry, I despise everything the man has put his name on and think Madea's Family Reunion in particular is one of the worst movies of the decade. Are black people not offended that they are presented as stupid, shallow stereotypes in his movies. I was driving home on the 401 in Toronto one Sunday and was coming up beside a car with bumper stickers about loving Jesus and pulled around to see two black old ladies in their church hats in it. I said to my passanger "those people are the reason Tyler Perry movies keep going to number one at the box office." Sad but true.

As for Miley Cyrus, I covered the script to one of her next movies LOL and it was offensivly bad. Like it made me feel dirty for reding it. Like Fast Time at Ridgemount Hight uncomfortable. Can't wait to see how parents react to see Miley doing bong hits and have random een sexcapades.

Mike Lippert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Castor said...

Miley Cyrus making craptastic movies, I mean... is anyone surprised?

Clash of the Titans being delayed only a month for 3D conversion. What did people expect? It's a rent at best.

Univarn said...

@Mike Great story. I know the type. It doesn't help that nobody except critics is out there willing to attack his portrayal.

As for Miley, maybe that'll be the overthrow point that puts her in the too old for families, too young for adults deathage. The same place Lindsey Lohan and Hilary Duff reside. A perfect level of obscurity.

@Castor I doubt anyone is surprised. As for Clash of the Titans, I just can't forgive its tagline. I'm sorry but any movie with that awful of a tagline just has to be bad, or no better than a rental.

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