Sunday, January 3, 2010

Top 6 Worst Films of 2009

hey look it's our cousin, Flavor Flav!

While many of my fellow bloggers, and many critics I read, rave about the quality of films in 2009, I stand by my belief that overall this has been a very weak year. Perhaps it's one of those years where the mediocre look genius only because of the amazing pain endured in order to find them. Yet there were a few quality standouts I pointed out recently in my LiE Awards. Of course though with every year, there comes the bad. The movies so awful tears are cried by onlookers as they attempt to bring themselves off the floor during the credits due to their pain. Even then some of these films managed to fool their own audience, standing as "cool" while its unaware audience forces themselves to enjoy crap. Then again, who am I to judge? Ah screw it, who am I? I'm Ryan, and these are the top 6 worst films (that I dared watch) of 2009!


6. The Informers
If you're asking yourself why six, well when I did my top 5 I realized I hadn't included this one, since it sucked as much as the rest figured I should throw it in too. Some movies try so hard to be more than they are, some movies try to be something meaningful at all. The Informers tries to kill its audience by boring them into committing suicide, and that's a difficult task in only 1 and a half hours. How a director can fail to make an interesting film with Amber Heard nude for nearly half of it is beyond me. What's even worse is the actors in this film are so distant you'd need a telescopic lens to notice them. As a rule of thumb, if a movie is so incredibly ridden with "ughs" it makes you daydream of wanting to watch Twilight instead, it's a horrid, horrid, film.

5. Surrogates
What happens when your film forgets it had a message. Worse yet, what happens when your film forgets what the hell its supposed to do. This 2009 offering from cheese-master Jonathan Mostow left more seats empty than a Michael Bay musical. Not only was it stupid, bland, without focus, point, or interesting performances, but its main selling point was Bruce Willis with blond hair. As a note to producers everywhere: if that's the best you got, you have nothing.

4. Transformers 2
What made Transformers 2 so bad is not that it was a mind-screw of ripoffed action sequences passing as original, but rather that with 3 hours of runtime, 2 years of writers, and not one person knew what the hell the plot was! Besides the fact that with the removal of Jon Voight they also removed the only person with more than 3 emotions from their actors! Shia Lebouf has some charisma, but he's one note, and Bay couldn't know less about how to use it. Granted if you're not dying of laughter by his Harry Potter moment at the end, then you're probably sure this film is worthwhile.

3. Law Abiding Citizen
No movie this year had two central characters who were more unlikable than Law Abiding Citizen. Throw in horribly laughable subplots, bad character development, and the constant force feeding of every "amazing" thing our bad/good/kind-of-bad-but-not-really-so-bad guy does, and you'll likely be regurgitating the film for hours after the credits roll. Some have called this mindless entertainment, I'd agree... they're half right.

2. G-Force
I try to give kids films their fare chance. Lots of the time I find them to be guilty pleasures, but this film, left me just feeling guilty for my money. Ripping every line it can from a top 100 quotes list, G-Force contains so many bad plot points, horrid action sequences, and moments of utter stupidity, no child, whom anyone wants to see develop into a reasonable being, should have to witness it. I always preach children films should combine action with a firm message, G-Force combines action with a firm kick to the face... of course that's only if you commit the sin of thought.

1. Dragonball Evolution
While Dragonball Z may not stand the test of aging, this movie wouldn't stand the test of sight. With a plot so full of pathetic combination of Chinese and Japanese style, it's no wonder Ang Lee didn't commit suicide, if for no other reason than to roll over in his grave upon the release of this film. What's worse yet is the movie lacks all forms of a reasonable film. The writing is horrible, the acting unbearable, the dialogue ear gouging, while the director sits behind the camera, doing only what I can imagine is playing with his thumbs. There seems to be such an assurance among those involved that this will lead to a series, so there is no need to explain anything now that DE is more of an embarrassment, than a ride. In all of the films I've seen this year, never was I so proud of credits than I was while watching this film. Not that the credits were any good, they actually sucked too, but at least they meant one thing: the damn thing was over!

Honorable Craptions:
Year One - sure felt like it.
The Ugly Truth - meet the ugly film
I Sell the Dead - including your audience?
He's Just Not That Into You - well no kidding, you took him to this wretched film!

Ah yes, so glad I got that out of my system. Now I go off to watch some of my favorites, and quietly count down the days until my pre-ordered copy of Moon comes for me.

10 better thoughts:

Sage Slowdive said...

I guess you didn't see "New Moon".

By the way, I think Amber Heard was great in the terrible Informers.

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

Damn. I'm lucky I saw none of these. And I think The Blind Side may make it on to my list. Ah wel..

Tom said...

I didn't hear of some of these. Oh well, I guess I didn't miss anything. :)

Alex said...

I'm happy to say I've only seen one of these (though two if you count I Sell The Dead off your honorable mentions).

I'm assuming you didn't see it, but I'd add Ghosts of Girlfriends Past as well. Even dubbed in German, the awfulness shone through- but at least I didn't have to hear Matthew McConaughey's voice. Wolverine was down there for me too, which as a serious X-Men fan was such a disappointment.

Tom said...

I agree with Alex; that movie "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was awful!

filmgeek said...

Glad I haven't seen any of the top six, although I did see The Ugly Truth (which I was disappointed with but didn't hate)

DEZMOND said...

I also didn't hate THE UGLY TRUTH :)
It wasn't the best of films, off course, but it was charming and entertaining enough, and the chemistry between hunkylicious Gerard and stunningly gorgeous Katherine was simply adorable. And plus, the costumes in the movie were very charming and chic (says me, the fashion designer :)).

Univarn said...

@Sage Managed to avoid that one, for now.

@Andrew I thought the blind side was ok, lots of mediocre acting though

@Tom Not a thing

@Alex I saw it, and I didn't like it, but not quite worst of the year dislike.

@Dezmond nah, it sucked, the outfits didn't even register with me. As for Katherine I liked the character better when she played it in Knocked Up.

fandangogroovers said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Someone else who didn’t like Law Abiding Citizen. I have only seen three of the films on your list but they all featured low on my list:

http://fandangogroovers.wordpress.com/2010/01/01/2009-films/#comments

Fletch said...

Only saw one of these (Surrogates) and while it was bad, I don't even know if it was top 5 bad for me. I'd like to nominate Wolverine if I may.

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