Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hate With Pazazz: A Guide to Online Hating


Let's be honest now, you name a film, any film, just pick one, I can guarantee you'll find posts on just about any forum for the movie of the following nature:
"Remake of XXXXXXXX!"
"Didn't get it."
"Who really likes this movie!?"

The list goes on and on (unfortunately for the rest of us). If there's one thing the world of online criticism does not lack it's haters, and vocal ones at that. To be fair though I have no real issues with people hating a film. Personally I hate Twilight and Sex and the City, not hard ones to hate I wouldn't say, but I do never the less. Yet as I've said before this blog may be young but my days in the online realm are not. I've been around seen the forums, and I can tell you this much, some things never change.

There's rules to being an appropriate hater. That's right, rules! You think you can hate something and get away with it, well you're wrong. Spamming forums with cheese cut lines and a plethora of !!!!! and capitals doesn't make you a real hater. No, you need a little something. You need some advice from good ol' uncle Uni. Have no fear though, grab a seat and I'll begin your education.

1. You need a catchy phrase. Don't open up with the above, everyone does that! You might as well be advertising you're lack of intelligence. No no no you need something catchy! Here's one:
"Sarah Jessica Parker vs. Godzilla: Who has the bigger nose?"

See, you're interested aren't you? What a debate! You'll attract haters and defenders alike! That's the start of some good hating...

2. Ok, now what you need is a little bit of smarts. You're not going to get anywhere with your hate unless you're willing to say something people are willing to read. Now now not too long (like this post will be), you have to remember online readers are one paragraph beings tops! Perhaps do a worst of (people love lists - fools them into reading more, yeah I'm looking at you MadHatter :P). Just be sure what you say is intelligent. Nobody wants to read "boring" - no wonder you found it boring, you're a boring individual!

3. Alright so you said your smart statement. You don't want to seem like too big of a dick though (porn stars excluded). What you need now is the pizazz! A random statement, ironic banter, perhaps a cheesy quote from the film. Let them know you're not a hardass, you just want to express your anger towards something. My recommendation: go for broke. You only got one shot at grabbing their attention so let them have it!

4. Now come on, there's no point in writing a hate post unless you want people to respond. Otherwise you might as well just sit at home and yell at the wall (side point: losing an argument to a wall = very easy, a matter of will and stamina really). Let them respond. Let the angry haters yell from the mountain top, the defenders scream from the deeps. And what do you do during all of this?

Say Nothing.

"What!? After all that I say nothing?" (says the non-existent reader). That's right. You made your point. Let them make theirs. The truth is getting into an argument with them just brings you back to the wall statement. Neither of you can ever really change the others opinion, only enhance or weaken their resolve.

That's the truth of cinema though. It all comes down to taste, and that's a personal measure of film. The greatest crime any online movie critic/blogger can commit is to assume a level of correctness, as if there is a right and wrong when it comes to film. Sorry to inform you, but alas there isn't. It's all open up. You can hate the classics, love Michael Bay, and fantasize of Twilight, doesn't make you any less of a movie lover. Hating is a passionate thing, much like love, it's a response to the negative feelings generated from massive positive towards something you don't care for.

So I say, go ahead, Hate, I do, it's not that bad for you. Just do so with a bit of a smile. Have fun with it. It's all opinion after all. And truly hating an opinion.... well that's just sad really. With that I remind you, please, for the love of everything holy, if you're going to hate, don't go generic, go out swinging: do it with some Pizazz!

5 better thoughts:

Alfindeol said...

Someone's bitter about Magnolia ;p

TheAnswerMVP2001 said...

^ AHAHAA! Good one Alfindeol. I just finished Magnolia and in under an hour and a half too... not bad huh? Well the good thing about my review is it will be short and sweet, maybe I'll just say refer to my Requiem for a Dream review! ;0

The Mad Hatter said...

Lists? Me? I don't know what you're talking about. Matter of fact, allow me a moment to rhyme off my top five reasons why I don't know what you're talking about...

Univarn said...

@Alfindeol & MVP Actually this has nothing to do with Magnolia surprising enough. I wrote this last week and just now got around to posting it. Though the timing may serve that purpose anyhow :).

@Mad :P

Alfindeol said...

Didn't fail on the creativity front here... I find my angst ridden art project fantastic.

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